Breathe Again

22: Does Feeling Sorry For Yourself Count As Self Care?

Isaac is not new to the feeling of regret. What he is new to is this stupid dull ache in his chest what won't seem to disappear no matter what he tells himself, this throbbing pain that he can't ignore but is trying his best to. It keeps him ache at night, to the point where he feels the beat of his heart is trying to tell himself, to the point where his pulse is so loud he feels like his whole body is screaming.

Isaac has googled it, and he knows he may technically have a broken heart, that broken heart syndrome is a real thing, that the tightness in his chest could maybe be a symptom of something physical. He tries to tell himself that, tries to remind himself that his body is going through withdrawal from the best high he's ever felt. But it's no use, deep down he knows that this is an emotional break, and that no matter what he tells himself this situation isn't going to be any less bleak.

Instead Isaac lies awake at night and makes a list of every regret he has for this summer, and considering the summer has only been going for three weeks it's worryingly long.

Number One. Isaac regrets going to the leaver's party, is there after all that this sorry mess started. Isaac hates parties, he doesn't drink, he imagines that his own personal hell would involve a never-ending party where everyone but Isaac is desperate to make endless small talk. Isaac should never have agreed to go, should never have bowed into peer pressure or Daniel with his endless begging. Isaac regrets going to that party.

Number Two. Isaac should never have taken Liam on a cross-country roadtrip to crash his father's wedding. As soon as Liam drunkenly directed them onto the motorway Isaac should have turned the car around, should have called Liam's mum and made sure Liam ended the night safely tucked in his own bed. Isaac never does anything spontaneous, and he can't believe the first thing he did would be such a stupid idea, would be something he'd come to regret so much.

Number Three. Even if Isaac had to do all that stupid other stuff, he never, ever, should have suggested that he and Liam went away together. For one Isaac does not have time for a holiday, he's wished for one, often, but he knows his responsibilities. His family needs help with the shop, they need help with the twins, Isaac's summers are always spent yo-yo-ing between babysitter and shelf stacker, but that's because it's how it has to be. Isaac can't believe he forgot all that, drove away as if he had nothing to stay for, the feeling of shame still lingers heavy in Isaac's stomach, threatening to spill out. And Isaac isn't sure why he thought it would fix everything anyway, as if somehow getting away from normal life would help Liam forget everything. Isaac isn't sure how he thought any of it was going to work out, hell, he should have always known he was going to regret this decision.

Number Four. He should never, ever, ever have allowed himself to admit his feels for Liam. Isaac sometimes thinks that acknowledgement of a crush is what makes it really really, it's kind of easy to be oblivious and get by, convince yourself that things like that aren't real, that those feelings aren't real. As soon as Isaac acknowledged the crush it became a real thing, and apparently took on a life of its own. Isaac can't help but wonder how different things would be if he never realised he liked Liam, he wonders if maybe they'd still be friends, if Isaac never would have suggested the trip. Maybe the two of them would have spent the past couple of weeks hanging and watching movies with Daniel and Jonah, and then making crass jokes whenever the two of them disappeared together for more than five minutes.

Number Five. Isaac should have really never acted on his feelings for Liam. Sure Liam initiated the first kiss, and the second. But Isaac should have called a stop to it early. Isaac knew about Penny, he can't pretend he didn't know how it was going to end. He supposes that he allowed himself to get caught up in it all, in how good it seemed to feel. It's easier to tell yourself it's a bad idea when you've lived through the ending, not so easy to tell yourself it when the ending is just something that could maybe happen, a vague phantom in the back of your mind.