Emma That is Dead (FREE!)

Chapter Twelve

Emma's Journal Entry

October 8

Today's assignment: Write about someone you care about.

There are lots of people I care about, it's hard to choose only one.

I don't want to talk about my parents. That's too complicated. And I don't have any siblings, though I've always wished I did. It's boring being an only child and always having to find ways to keep myself entertained.

My mom and dad work full time and don't get home until late, and more evenings than not, I find myself at Hayes'. Thank God her mom doesn't mind. It gets pretty lonely hanging out by myself all the time. Maybe their absence all these years is the cause of my issues? Like my annoying need to be loved and to fit in with a crowd. And not to just fit in, but to OWN it. Make sure everyone knows I'm there. I suppose it's a possibility. I've never really thought about it before now.

Damn, that's deep. Maybe these weekly journal entries aren't useless after all?

I care about Arbor's family. Growing up, I wished I could live with them, back before her parents got divorced. Things got weird for a while after that.

Every Friday, they'd invite me over for "Movie Night" at their house. Her dad would inflate a giant mattress for us to lay on and her mom would make milkshakes and pop popcorn. They'd turn out the lights and we'd watch some family-friendly flick that both adults and kids would enjoy.

But we always did as much talking as we did watching, and sometimes we'd miss entire scenes and have to rewind it and start all over again. We'd be there for hours, trying to get through one 90-minute film! But her parents never got upset like a lot of parents would. They'd join right in, talking and laughing just as much as Arbor and I were.

They even took me camping once. Dr. Hayes loves the outdoors and botany is one of his favorite hobbies, hence the reason he named his children Arbor and Rowan. I mean, who names their kids after things from their garden?! Sometimes, he would tease me and call me Hawthorn. You know—after that flowering shrub with the tiny berries? I pretended like I hated the name but I actually sort of loved it. It made me feel like an official member of their gang.

Of course, Rowan wasn't around back then. She came along later, after he remarried. And she is so stinking cute! Like this perfect porcelain doll you'd carry around with you everywhere. Watching her and Arbor together makes me realize how much I'm missing out, not having a little brother or sister of my own.

Most of my friends have siblings, too. Even Smith has a little brother, and an older sister who's away at college. I get along with his family just fine, but it's not quite the same. They're nice enough, but I don't feel as comfortable over there. And his parents get all weird when he wants to come to my place. They don't want their baby boy to be molested by the latchkey girlfriend, I guess.

If only they knew...

Everyone thinks they understand our relationship. But they don't. We've been together for so long, way longer than any of our friends who date. Even longer than Kobe and Mey. Maybe that's why they make assumptions? They think we're practically the same person. But it's not like that. I love Smith, and there are times when I think he knows me even better than Arbor. And then there are times when I feel like we're not that close at all. That us being together is all for show.

Smith doesn't know everything about me. No one knows everything. Maybe I'm so used to pretending that I've forgotten how to be honest—even with myself.

I wish I did have someone to confide in. Someone who wouldn't judge me or spread around my secrets. Arbor wouldn't. I know she wouldn't. But she's too close to the situation. We know too many of the same people, and if I opened up like that, I'd feel exposed. Does that make sense? This town is too damn small for something like that.

I crave wide open spaces. People who don't know my past, my family, my friends. Cities that have never heard my name, and don't know I exist. I just feel so bogged down here, with nowhere new to go and no new people to talk to. I'm trapped by all of these damn hills, like a wild animal with no hope of escape. I want adventure, a place where I'm free to roam and explore. A place where I'm free to be me.

Is that really too much to ask?