"You better get your filthy hands off me before I chop them off and feed it to my non-existent pet turtle, Park Jimin. "
What if the person who adores you is the one YOU tore into shreds?
𝓗𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓸𝓴𝓲𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓶𝔂 𝓬𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓶. 𝓨𝓮𝓽...
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"JIMIN…JI-MIN!!"
"Jimin? Who's that?" Ginni asked.
"Jimin, Park Jimin. Remember? My neighbour whom I knew since childhood. He goes to our college. You know him…..…you told me to treat him better and things, remember?"
"Minji, you need to rest, you're clearly not in your right mind."
Lia said, making me lie down on the bed.
"NO!! Stop lying." I voiced out at the two.
"You all know him, you..you talked…to….." My voice trailed off.
That's when I became cognizant of the fact that Jimin never joined in a conversation with any of my friends. Neither did he ever appear in front of them. Lia, Ginni and Nora only knew Jimin from all the tales I told them about him. The only people he talked to was my mom and I.
'Was it all just a dream then?' You thought to yourself.
The short lived life-like adventure you experienced once you went unconscious at the rooftop had taught you various lessons.
You were able to overcome your anxiety issue and come to aid for Nora when Jimin was next to you. You even conversed with your mom and gave a ear to her worries when he was with you. You rode a roller coaster that had always been your greatest fears. It was like you got a chance to correct all the mistakes you made in your exam paper of life and Jimin was the pen who helped you correct them. You withstood everything and fought back with Jimin by your side.
But in reality, with Jimin not by your side, you couldn't amend any of those mistakes and had to live with the imperfect score on your paper. Come to think of it, Jimin had all the same traits you had in real life.
Depression, anorexia, cigarretes, insecurity, stubbornness and not to forget, the best liar ever. Jimin was a reflection of the part that you despised about yourself. It was the part of you that you wanted to change but failed to and in the end, you ignored and hated that side of you. Just the way you treated Jimin. No one knew this side of you except for yourself and yes, your mom. Nobody else found a fault in your personality or behaviour except you. Just like how nobody found a fault in Jimin's personality or behaviour except you. You never showed that side of you to anyone, just like how Jimin was never seen when a lot of people surrounded you.
Even though everyone liked you the way you were, you started to hate yourself and wanted to be perfect, like Lucas. You started working towards being a perfect modal of yourself and in the way, loving yourself slipped out of your priorities. Just like the way you started taking yourself off from Jimin in order to be around Lucas. You exchanged your true self with a persona you created of yourself, like the way you substituted Jimin with Lucas. Anxiety started getting worse too ever since the day you met Lucas - the day you decided to mould your perfect self, since 9th grade.
Even though a little late, you realised that being the imperfect you was what actually made one jubilant, and not the perfect version you aspired to be. Just like how you realised that Jimin was the reason for your happiness and not Lucas. But you were a bit too late. Again.
Everytime I tried to ignore the real me and faked to be my perfect self, I was losing a part of me, slowly killing my inner self. Just the way I killed Jimin. Just the way Jimin had started becoming weaker everytime he faced Lucas, my perfect self. Even though I never liked the imperfect me, it always loved me. Just like how Jimin did. Even when I was slowly killing my inner self out of pure greed and selfishness to aquire a perfect persona, all that my inner self wanted was for me to be happy, even if that meant it would turn into ashes. Just the way………. Jimin had.
He was the cookie to my cream. Yet I crumbledit.
I don't know who Jimin was. Maybe it was just a part of me that my subconscious mind created to remind me to LOVE MYSELF and that it was okay to be IMPERFECT. That everybody makes mistakes. He proved that the only one who could help me, was myself. Not the perfect self I aspired to be, but the real, unfiltered Minji.
Happiness is not something you can acquire by owning the latest designer bags or being able to sing, dance,draw and cook. Happiness is when you can go to sleep with peace reminding yourself that nobody can Love you the way you love yourself. It is when you know that the wisest thing to do is to be on your own side.
