Love's Sea ...see?

15 years later... *and still here*

"Depression isn't just being a bit sad. It's feeling nothing. It's not wanting to be alive anymore."

"Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance."

"What is depression like? It's like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing."

>>the above quotes come from the website : https://www.healthyplace.com/insight/quotes/depression-quotes-and-sayings-about-depression

I have never put an 'afterword' on any of my poem books, but I truly felt that the subject matter (and reason I wrote this poem in the first place) warranted it.

Of course, it goes without beating the obvious with a stick- but I survived this suicide letter. Not easily, might I add. And this moment-- of my Soul breaking to the point of fracture and desire to be gone from the world- was not my ONLY moment.

There were MANY others.

Funny thing... the darkest times were not accompanied by words. I have actually gotten so bad that the comfort of pen, paper, vocabulary- all failed me. Utterly.

For those who don't know what it's like to be held prisoner by emotions that feel disproportionate to reality- be GRATEFUL.

There is no place on this Earth so dark as the inside of your own head when the Demons are screaming at you and eating your Soul.

Even the darkest night outside, shines with starlight... no matter how distant, they are there. Covered by clouds, they are there. Not so, with the inside of your own head, sometimes.

It's finding your way out of the dark- or even finding some company within it, that saves, in the End. I cannot boast to defeating the Demons, I'm afraid...

I can only boast that I battle them still.

Every day that I wake up- I make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE to remain ALIVE for the day.

Each night that I fall asleep- I say to myself, "Well let's at least see how tomorrow goes... you never know".

Deciding to stay Alive has become a game I play to supplant the myriad thoughts revolving around so badly wanting to Die. It is very likely stupid... but hey, it works... (for me).

Personally- I do not like to 'wax poetic' on pretending to be knowledgeable, evaluate, or any variation thereof- another person's pain or battle with depression and suicidal thoughts.

I can barely understand my own.

All I can do, is empathize and share my own personal battles.

Fought and Won.

The War- shall never be won.. not really.

It is the nature of the disease, perhaps. It matters not. All I have to do is win the battle today. Tomorrow will see to itself.

I shall be victorious or I shall not.

I guess the main point I wanted to make, was that you can SURVIVE your suicide note.

Write it.

Feel it.

Read it.

Then stash it.

Decide to breath just for a few minutes more.

Turn on the T.V....

open a book...

look out a window....

make a wish while hugging a tree...

wait for the stars to come out and wish on that...

decide to go on YouTube or TikTok and not stop searching till you've found 10 ridiculous videos that make you LAUGH....

hell- go online and type 'help for suicide' into Google...

ANYTHING that postpones is a successful, tactical maneuver in your current Battle.

Remember the War.

And don't despair.

There is NO. SUCH. THING. as a 'Minor Victory'.

Every fucking victory is MAJOR when it comes to this shit. (sorry for cussing... you all are quite fortunate that's all that came out, seeing as I was apparently a Sailor in a past life, haha).

Thank you for taking the time to read this ponderous-ass 'Afterword'. I will cut it short now, but if anyone feels like they need to vent- you can always message me. I may not be the most, errrr, 'helpful?'... but I WILL listen. (and I will KNOW where you are coming from... I live there too... I'm in the dark with you... you are NOT... ALONE).

>>I'll leave you with some more deep thoughts on depression from the website listed above: www.healthyplace.com I can feel the Truth of my own Existence within every syllable, every line. I did not find a SINGLE quote on this website that did not whisper of the Darkness that is my own mind... and make me feel less alone in the dark<<

"Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die."

"I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I've had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted."

"I don't want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead."

"There comes a point where you no longer care if there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You're just sick of the tunnel."

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

"You don't understand depression until you can't stand your own presence in an empty room."

"It felt like this was never going to end. The world wasn't going to stop crashing down until there was nothing left of me but dust."

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."

A.N
sometimes it is sufficient to simply express a thing of Darkness in order to temporarily rid yourself of it. Find the light; or make your own... Or better yet- tame the Dark and make it your own🖤