What She Was

Chapter Two ~ I'm Not Alone Alone

Images of the day after Olivia's death flooded my mind.

Pieces of shattered glass surrounded me. The carnage and debris from my emotional out break laid before me like crumbling cities. I couldn't handle it. Why did Olivia have to die? Why would she? Why does life hate me? Why do bad things to good people? Why, why, why?

Pain seared through my body as the same hurting from days before made an unwelcome appearance. As I grazed over the scars from glass I winced. Focus, Alissa. Interview time.

The studio lights blinded me and I sat seated uncomfortably on the small cushioned chair. Words flew out of Peggie's mouth with fluency and grace. I felt like a baby elephant sitting on a bed of needles. Anxiety caused my head to spin, but I pushed past it. Peggie looked intently, her eyes narrowed and focused. Her hair was jet black and shone like a shiny stone that was smoothed by the sea. She sat with the same poise and eloquence interviewers must have. Or maybe it comes with her age, she's only fourty. All of her facial imperfections were hidden under a thick layer of powder and cream, and she radiated flawlessness. I had some prepping, but I avoided makeup at all costs. I want people watching to see me as me. As raw as possible. All three of the cameras focused on us and I waited intently for her first question. I know that this is all live, there's no fancy editing or enhancing. You agreed to this interview, you gotta be honest. Everyone within thirty miles radius of my house would see me. Peggie finished introducing me and finally the questions came.

This big question came, "What happened?" Peggie asked, turning towards me eagerly. She had invited me to practice my answers with her beforehand but I declined. I wanted to be natural. The cameraman cued me in. Go on.

"On April 7th, Olivia Verring, my best friend, committed suicide by overdosing on pills. I got to her but it was too late, by the time the medical team got there, she was long gone." Peggie and I locked eye contact and it reminded me of Olivia's final look at me. My heart started to pound and thump. I felt like I was suffocating. Get it together, you'll be fine, I rationalized with myself. I settled and repositioned myself in the seat.

"What was going through you head when you saw Olivia lying on the floor?" Peggie shifted her position to face more towards me.

"Fear... Mostly fear. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know she was depressed, but then again, no one would've even guessed it. She'd always be smiling. I expected to walk in and see happy Olivia, but instead I saw was the shell of what she was."

"Alissa, how did you cope with Olivia's suicide afterwards?"

My thoughts flurried back to a few days ago.

I been a week since Olivia's suicide. News rang through town and media attention has increased by 1000%. People come and lay flowers and crosses in front of the Verring's door. The Verrings had left town the day after Olivia passed. Neither my mother nor my father had heard a single peep from them. I tended to whisk them out of my mind. Instead, my thoughts flourished with what ifs. What if Olivia had slept over the night before? What if the Verrings had stayed home? What if I hadn't fallen asleep during our emergency procedures lessons? My thoughts would then move onto things I could've done but didn't. I spent a lot of time thinking about what I should have done, and there was only one outcome I came up with. I should've died with her. I should've have grabbed a handful of pills, said cheers, and I should've just watched the world fade to black. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I'd trade all of my tomorrows to get that one yesterday back. I would've set down my stuff, and for every pill Olivia shoved, I'd shove two. Of course time travel isn't possible yet, so for now I'm stuck. I'm stuck lying sprawled across my bed and hoping that at any minute Olivia would burst through my door. I wish that my bed was a portal. I wish that it would swallow me up and transport me to an alternate universe where I'd have no cares or problems. No one would have any worries or thoughts that kept them up at night. Olivia would be there too, smiling for real. Not a crappy half smile, the real deal. What am I going to do without her? How will I go to school? We had an entire summer ahead of us, now all I have ahead of me is loneliness. In three months, I'll be back in that prison, alone. Starting high school, alone. I'm screwed and alone. My thoughts became overwhelming and I felt suffocated by my own cerebration. Feeling the same uselessness I did before, I cried. It's the same every day, think, cry, sleep, and repeat. I've gotten so used to it that I don't know what else to do...

My mind returned and I looked Peggie in the eyes. I took a deep breath in and out.

"I could say that everything is fine and lie through my teeth, but I'm going to be honest. I haven't been coping and I don't think I'll ever be able to cope. I could say that a little therapy and counseling has helped but I still wake up screaming at night. I'll admit it, I cry and even when the tears have stopped, I get destructive," I paused, and let out a sigh, "I believe that people weren't born as wholes, but as pieces. As they live and grow, they'll find other pieces to themselves. Some parts are bigger than others. Olivia was not a sliver to me, she was a chunk of my existence. I just have to try and find the pieces to myself again no matter how unbearable the experience is." I caught a glimpse of Peggie blinking away tears just before she looked down at the floor. She must be thinking of her son, Elliot. He hadn't made it past four years old. After a few seconds she seemed to have regained her strength and looked back at me.

"Finally, is there a message you have for the people out there who are hurt and broken?" This is it, your one shot at giving all of what you've got.

"My message is not just to the hurt and broken, but to everyone. Life is an unpredictable roller coaster. You are strapped into problems regardless if you wanted to or not. People can come into our lives as quickly as they can come out. I know that whatever depths of hell you're going through is scary and terrifying. I'm not going to tell you the crap you've heard so many times before. I don't want to give you the same old message you've been given from your parents, relatives, teachers, counselors, or therapists. I want to tell you that you are not alone alone. I can guarantee that people in your neighborhood, town, city, state, province, country, Someone on this planet feels the same way you do. I can guarantee that one of them is me. I wake up feeling like crap every day, I move through crowds with my head down, and I can't help but feel like life is a game and everyone, but me, has the cheats. Now I see that I'm not the only one. Olivia felt the same and she never realized that so did a lot of people. I lost a part of me and I don't want anyone to go through what I did. So when you're feeling worthless and crap, think this: I may be alone and hopeless now," I paused and inhaled deeply, "but I'm not alone alone and that in itself gives me hope."

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Author's Note:

So much lonliness, like how many times did I use 'alone'? It's just something I feel a lot. I don't know how I feel about this chapter and I may ultimately end this story soon. But for now, it's a thing. I have an idea for chapter 3 and hopefully I execute it well. I don't have a joke or something funny for you personally so I googled a joke: What did Lil Jon do when the hardware store employee tried to sell him a ligtbulb? Turned down 4 watt *ba dum tss*. But yeah, zat is all for now.

Stay Lonely and Lovely,

Ze Llama