Pray for the Wicked

Chapter Four

Monday mornings are the worst. I sit in the weekly meeting and listen to Dick recite his rant. Rachel and I exchange bored looks of exhaustion and I can see Nick nodding off a few seats down. It's been a long weekend. Brendon wouldn't stop texting me, even after I told him I need time. I know it's just because he misses me and wants to catch up on lost time, but I haven't decided if I want to be with him or not.

The whole idea is crazy to me. Does he think that one night can make up for years of abandonment? I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but it still stings. I have to learn how to trust him again. I can't do that if we jump into something right away. On the other hand, I don't know if I can be just friends with him after what happened. Would he fault me if I asked him to forget about it?

"Cam?" Rachel shakes me out of my thoughts and I realize that the meeting is long over and everyone has left the room. "You good?"

I blink up at her and shrug, standing up from my seat. "Just thinking," I reply and follow her out of the room towards our department.

Nick pokes his head out of his cubicle as we pass and grabs my arm. "Hey, where'd you fly off to on saturday?" He asks me. I glance at Rachel, who's smirking incessantly with her arms crossed, and swallow a lump in my throat.

"Oh, y'know ... like I said, I'm not really the party type." It's not technically a lie, so why do I feel like an asshole? You know why, Cameron. You left one guy at a party to sleep with another. Okay, that's not really what happened, but if I told Nick that's what it would sound like.

"That's too bad," Nick frowns. Then he grins devilishly at Rachel and her smirk drops to a blush. "You missed Rachel's guest star."

"Oh?" I feign surprise and nudge Rachel in the side. "What brainless hunk did you find this time?" I joke.

"Panic! At the Disco frontman, Brendon Urie!" Nick says for her and I whip around to glare at him. It's such a visceral reaction that I don't have time to recover before Nick can ask me what I have against the man.

"He's just a douchebag." I say nonchalantly, but really I'm listening to the gears turn in my mind. If Brendon is supposed to be Rachel's man, do I tell Nick what happened? Do I tell him about my past? Why do I even care this much? It's just Nick, it's not like he's my boyfriend ... but isn't that what he's been trying to be since we started working together? It doesn't matter. I don't shit where I eat.

Rachel clears her throat and I realize that I've been in my head for a while again. "We should get to work." I say quickly, dragging Rachel down the hallway with me.

When I'm sure we're out of earshot, I let out a sigh. "Why am I like this?"

"Obviously you're trying to spare Nick's feelings even though you're totally in love with Brendon." Rachel scoffs, as if I should know this.

"Like fuck, I'm in love with Brendon!" I protest. "I don't even know him. He's probably a completely different person than he was 10 years ago. And he left. One night of the be—uh I mean a one night stand won't change that fact."

"Were you just about to say the best sex of your life?" Rachel asks, an eyebrow raised amusingly.

"What? No!" I say, shaking my head so hard that I might give myself whiplash.

"You were!" She smiles broadly, doing an incredibly lame rendition of the snoopy dance.

"Are you five?" I snort, shoving her so she'll stop making a fool of herself.

"That depends," Rachel giggles. "Are you going to admit that you're in love with him?" I roll my eyes. She's not worth arguing with, and not just because she's right. I mean, she isn't. I'm not in love with Brendon. We've been over this. You can't be in love with somebody that you don't know. Not to mention, clearly I still hate his guts. My reaction to Nick saying Brendon's name is proof of that.

And yet, for the rest of the day, I'm unable to focus on anything else. It's becoming abundantly clear to me that I can no longer live my life without Brendon in it, whether as a friend or otherwise. If I don't resolve this situation with him, I will never be satisfied. In fact, I might continue to dwell on it for far too long. It's much better for the both of us if I just say okay.

I dial Brendon's number, which he sent me in one of his many messages over the past two days, and wait for him to pick up. Before he can even utter the word 'hello', I sputter out, "Okay." 

"Okay?" He asks in confusion. 

"Yes. Okay." I grumble into the receiver. Geez, he's slow. Can't a girl just call a man and tell him okay without it being weird and confusing?

"Um, who is this?" Brendon chuckles nervously and I curse my urgency. Of course he wouldn't recognize my voice. Turns out I'm the slow one.

"Oh, it's Cameron. Sorry, I just ... " I trail off, not really sure what I just. I just ... wanted to tell you? ... needed to hear your voice? ... miss you? 

"I get it," He laughs and I can hear his broad smile through the receiver. "Me too."

"Okay," I say. I can't help but smile. I know moments ago I was mad at this man, but he just makes it so damn hard to stay that way.

"Okay," He repeats, and I can tell he's smirking. "Well, I'm on my way to the studio so I'll call you later?"

"Okay." It's all I can say at this point. God, what's wrong with me!

"Okay." He says back. His voice is soft and it reminds me of when we used to whisper in the back of class during study hall. "Bye, doll." My heart melts at the pet name and I can barely get out a goodbye of my own before the line goes dead. I am a full grown adult, and yet his voice reduces me to a teenage harlequin. It's ridiculous!

@thebeescamry tweeted:

Apparently all you have to say is "Okay" and the past is erased. Who knew? #okay

@brendonurie likes your tweet

C: you stalkin me? ;p

B: whatever do you mean? 

C: "@brendonurie likes your tweet"

B: ohhh that ... no comment

C: smh

My phone starts ringing and I answer it promptly. "Hello,"

"Hey gorgeous! I just recorded a song and I'm hungry, wanna get some pizza?" Brendon asks. I glance at the clock and see it's close to 6:00.

"I'm down, as long as it's Hawaiian." 

"Helllllll yes! Meet me at Pete's Pizza?" I agree and grab my keys and sneakers. It's been a while since I've had Pete's, but it used to be my absolute favourite.

Twenty minutes later, I'm sitting in a booth across from Brendon with a fresh pizza between us. "Oh my god, my beauty, I'm sorry it's been so long." I say to the pizza, making a kissy face towards it. Brendon scrunched his face in distaste, but grabs himself a slice.

"You're so weird." He says through a mouthful of food.

"And you're so rude." I retort, closing his jaw with my index finger. "You weren't raised by wolves. I know this. I've met your parents." At this, he rolls his eyes and sticks his gross foodie tongue out at me.

"So this okay thing ..." He says after he swallows. "Is it like, 'okay, we can be friends again' or?" I take a bite of pizza so I can think it through. I still think jumping into something would be a bad idea. Like I said, I need to regain trust in him. I don't know how long that will take.

"Well," I say slowly, trying to find the words I need. "I don't really know you anymore. Maybe we should take it slow?"

"So, let me take you on a few dates and we can get to know each other. Then, if you feel like we're just friends, we can just be friends. Or, if you feel like we could be more, we can figure it out from there." It's like he read my mind.

"Okay." I agree, finishing my slice of pizza. "Ten dates, once a week, starting today. That's two and a half months. Should give us enough time to rebuild our friendship." I stick out my hand and Brendon shakes it vigorously. This buys me time, and hopefully by the end of ten weeks I'll have a clearer idea of how I feel.