It's been almost 11 months , that though makes me gasp for air. My heart clenches, my body shakes, I start crying uncontrollably. This grief is eating at me. Work helps but due to a pandemic there is no work. I tried doing factory work part time and I just couldn't do anything any more after three weeks.
I feel so torn and lost, I just wanna hear my moms voice again and my sisters. God I miss them so much but they are gone and I need to keep moving forward, if it wasn't for my nephews I probably would have done something stupid by now.
Part of me feels that they would be better off with out me. That no one would miss me if I were gone.
Part of me wants to be gone wants to die. I have harmed my self by hitting my self or cutting my self, I think about abusing alcohol and drugs any thing to make my time shorter on this earth. I don't want to be here any more.
I gasp for air crying out for help
And when times are bad like this I wanna die
I cry out to the lord and to my Heavenly Father and as I'm still heartbroken and crying buckets of tears. I feel a calming presence near me and the pain leaves even for a short bit. And the calming presence is with me for many days and weeks till my next episode like the one I just had.
I want the episodes to stop the pain and grief I know will always be there and it will be better with time but it's true what they say the first year is always the hardest
