Each day is the same I hear there voices in my head telling me I'm worthless, good for nothing , selfish, greedy, a thief a murder...
Some days I be live those voices and I cry
So a few days ago I wrote a letter to one of the voices in my head the voice that sounds like my brothers, and the letter hits on stuff he actually said to me , nice family I have huh... here's what I wrote
Dear big brother,
I am at a loss of words. This past year
Has been difficult for me.i have opened my self to you only for you to have You verbally abuse me. You are my older brother and I love you with my whole heart. However your words from this past year still eco in my head and in my heart.
Not only you but our fathers words as well, and I just have this to say about it
How dare you, how dare you blame. Me for your short comings . You blame me for moms death you accused me. For being. A thief, you jumped and dirtied the fact that I did something for my self with my own money that I worked hard to save.
You called me poisonous and toxic and you don't want me in your daughters life.
How dare you blame me for all of this
You told me I should know what it's like to suffer and grow up not knowing if I can pay rent or have food. You haven't been in my life since you were 22 years old. You have no idea what hardships I have been through. You only heard one side of. A story and Assumed it was the right story, you never asked me for my side or cared to listen to me. I have to wonder if you do care and love me like you say you do.
I know what it's like to not be able to put food on the table, to lose a job to lose a car, to be homeless you have no idea what I have been through mostly cause it's my life and I didn't want to tell you
I felt like a failure already and your words of disappointment and ,you shaming me I just didn't want to hear it . I was hearing it in my own head already. I am tired of feeling this way, and I don't need your guilt holding me back from living my life.
You may be the oldest and the quote in quote head of the family but as they said in Game of thrones you know nothing, your being childish and in until you recognize that you have a problem .I can't and won't listen to you.
I forgive you for what you have said and for what you have done. I love you and when your ready to be an adult. I will be here for you.
You once told me I need to grow up, news flash so do . You once told me. I am burning bridges guess what so are you.
I don't need this toxic relationship and neither do the kids. We probably will never see eye to eye or be on the same page, but instead of yelling at me or cussing me out cause you don't agree with my choices, you should listen to me as well, you may be older but you don't know everything and neither do I but I do know this
What you've said and what you've done are wrong, and you yelling and cussing at me are cause your angry at your self and not me, your felling guilt and putting that on me. And it needs to stop
You need to deal with how your feeling you need to grieve just like I am, we should be here for each other for all those bad days, I should be able to call you at 1 am cause I need to talk to some one cause I'm having a bad day.
I am here for you if you ever wanna talk
And I do mean talk about your feeling or if your having a bad day.cause that is what family is to me
I love you bro
Wait till you read the letter I am going to write to my father.
I am being a bit snappy at the moment I could because it's almost That time of the month . Part of me Disney. Care I had a lot of feelings as I wrote this letter. I cried a lot
This letter will never be sent to him... GWL even if I wrote a book about it he probably would never read it but this letter will never sent to him. This letter was for me to help me fight off one of my demons to tell the voice of my brother to fuck off.
Saying this out loud is calming it's empowering but it still hurts cause I know I lost yet another family member. I know the next time I see my brother and I do mean physically see him in person, no on face tome or on messenger it will be at my fathers funeral.
Right now I don't even know if I oils be welcome at my fathers funeral, I don't even know if I would mourn him. But that's a story fro another time
