Dimon/X Factor oneshots

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I wasn't in the mood to perform at X Factor tonight. I was absolutely exhausted from the amount of work I had been doing and to top it all off I was ill as well. Regardless of how I was feeling I had no choice but to perform. I was waiting backstage with my fellow judges. Paulina spoke first
"You're going to do amazing, I can't wait to hear you sing."
"I agree with Pau, you're gonna smash this girl. We're gonna be out there rooting for you." Kelly added.
"Thanks guys" I gave them both a quick hug before I turned to Simon.
"You okay Dems? You seem a little run down."
"I'm okay, I'm just really tired." I yawned leaning into him.
"You'll be able to go home soon, I love you brat."
"Right back at ya grandpa." He flashed me a smile before returning to the judges panel.

I stepped onstage and immediately regretted saying that I would sing. My in-ears weren't working properly meaning that I was slightly off key, I couldn't belt properly cause I was ill - this performance was just a disaster. I was far too scared to look at the judges panel, they're all going to be so disappointed in me. I tried my absolute best to perform the best I could but I was failing - my throat hurt so much. I finally finished singing and ran off the stage as soon as I heard them stopping filming. I felt so shit and was just desperate to go home.

I only managed to get halfway to my dressing room when I hit the floor in a panic attack. I hadn't felt like this in a long time, I couldn't believe how bad I had messed up. I heard my fellow judges coming round the corner coming to look for me. I glanced over at them in desperation, I couldn't breathe. Simon took my hand and placed it on his chest.
"Copy my breathing Dems, you're okay."

After a few more minutes I managed to regain my breathing, I was sobbing by this point.
"I-I'm sorry"
"Why are you sorry Dems?" Simon asked curiously.
"I was awful. I'm sorry. I let you down."
"You didn't let me down Dems. I loved your performance"
"Stop lying Si, I couldn't hit a right note or anything. I'm sorry."
"You've nothing to be sorry about, come on let's get you cleaned up for the rest of the show."

Today was such a horrible day. It was Thanksgiving as well so I was already struggling with food and being away from my family. I didn't want to ruin anyones day so I tried to keep my struggles a secret, not that I had done so well at that as yet. We were on our dinner break so the four of us went and had a massive dinner. As I got a plate put down in front of me, my demons were screaming at me. I pushed the food around on my plate to make it look like I was busy eating. Paulina gently kicked me under the table and mouthed "you okay?" to me. I nodded my head and took a small bite of my food to try and convince her that I was alright.

After about half an hour of staring at my food I couldn't take it anymore, I could feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes. Abruptly I pushed my chair back and ran to the bathroom. As soon as I got to the toilet I threw up, my eating disorder had never left me and this was just proof that I was still struggling. Suddenly I felt someone hold my hair out of my face
"Dems" I heard Kelly exclaim in a sympathetic voice.
I didn't know that Kelly had followed me, my head was just spinning with all the bad thoughts.
"Sorry" I croaked out.
"Why didn't you tell me you were struggling? I could've helped."
"I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I'll be fine, I can get through it - I always do."
"We'll get through it together, we're practically family now." I gave Kelly a genuine smile, her words had touched me. Sometimes I wasn't my best but I was in a good place overall. I had people who cared which was the best thing.

Kelly and I walked out of my dressing room and back to the table. Thankfully nobody said anything and we all just chatted as we normally do. On the way back to set Simon grabbed me and pulled me off to the side.
"I know you're not okay Dems, you don't have to tell me what's going on but just know I'm here if you ever need me. No matter what time it is or what I'm doing, I'm always here for you."
"Thank you Simon, I love you."
"I love you too Brat, now let's go catch up with the others."

I'm really sorry, this is horrible 😭 Thank you so much for all the support. As always any requests let me know. Stay safe x