"The first thing you must understand is that i was wronged, people are wrong - Your body and soul is ripped apart and then rebuilt from scratch, all while you question the very concept of reality. You lose everything. I think my going insane was a j...
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.•° ✿ °•.
Resting her hand on the rough paintwork that coats the door, inadvertently catching splinters that cut into her palm, the auburn-haired girl pushes it open; shards of Rustoleum paint crumbling to the floor. The hinges squeal with a warning, but their plea is only silenced by a wall of noise. Albeit it being so early, conversations swirled in a dirty cloud of smoke, the stagnant stench of cigarettes mixing with the mephitic odours.
"Hey, look who it is," A gruff, accented voice rang out. Recognising that distinguishable southern drawl, Ellie shifted on the balls of her feet, turning to reveal the figure the voice belongs to.
Coat pulled close and hands cupped together, Ellie advanced through the doorway of the Tipsy Bison, actively avoiding the steady flurry of snowfall inching closer outside. Winding her way through the warm bodies and approaching the bar, the voice sounded again.
"Hey kiddo, how's it been?" Joel greeted, slightly chuckling at the miserable expression painted on her face. Ellie leaned against the bar, moving a strand of hair from her face and fixing her jacket. Well technically speaking, it was one of Joel's that she'd stolen not long ago, to which he quickly noticed, but ultimately brushed the thought off as she probably needed it.
"The world's an unforgiving place sometimes, that's for sure" She lets out, picking at the sleeve of her sweater. Lolling her head to one side, she sighed and pressed a small but deceiving smile onto her lips. "Can you grab me a coffee?"
Handing her a cup, she nodded in thanks, sitting on the stool closest to him. Cradling the mug with both hands and letting the warmth of the drink defrost her fingers, she takes a long-awaited sip of the sweet substance, almost instantly feeling more relaxed. Sparing a glance over her shoulder as the intricate patterns of ice flowed weightlessly downward, only contrasted by the warm lights illuminating the windows, she sighed. As pretty as the view looked, the cold was a kick in the ass.
"What are you doing up?" Joel questioned, pulling her out of her trance.
"I never sleep" She shrugs, taking a sip from her mug.
"Never sleep or can't sleep?" Ellie internally swears at herself. Joel always has a way of drawing information out of her. He always has. "Still havin' those nightmares of yours?"
"How could you tell?" She glances over her shoulder at Joel, eyes narrowing.
"Well for starters you look like shit."
Ellie blusters at the insult. Usually, a witty comeback would be returned, but her brain is only running on a single cup of coffee, her overall lack of sleep showing not only physically but also mentally.
"Gee, thanks" Is all she can manage.
"I wasn't insulting you y' know" He reassures "I just noticed you've not been yourself lately." Joel's voice is uncharacteristically soft. He noticed her ashen complexion. Her eyes are bloodshot, skin looks like it's sunken in and her demeanour, which is usually bursting with energy, is nowhere to be seen. She does look half-dead.
"Yeah...It's been weeks now since I've properly slept." She finally admits.
"Has this ever happened before?" He presses.
"Not this badly."
"Yeah? But you've had nightmares before, right?"
"Well, yeah"
"So, back then, what did you do?" Joel's voice dropped low. He leans on the counter still facing Ellie.
"I'd just put up with it, y' know? Just waited for them to go away. This one just isn't seeming to budge."
Joel seemed to recall the events of that night, previously unable to grasp why Ellie was so hung up, then it hit him. At first, Joel didn't understand. His casualty had been less than seamless, sure, maybe even jarring. He was more occupied with staying alive than focussing on how she felt. But now that time passed, he had noticed the hundred little things that had been nagging at her subconscious. Joel's mind seemed to flashback to when the pair first visited Jackson.
✧ ✦ ✧
𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐁𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞
"I'm sorry about your daughter, Joel, but I have lost people too."
"You have no idea what loss is."
"Everyone I have cared for has either died or left me. Everyone— fucking except for you! So don't tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is I'd just be more scared."
✧ ✦ ✧
There was a moment of realization as he understood her thoughts, and then a snap as the line let loose and he tumbled backwards. It was a brutal realization, one that left him devastated but also guiltier than ever.
"Listen, Ellie, I've had my fair share of problems over my time, I'm even dealing with a few still. Now, I know what happened that night still affects you, but you need to understand that you're not alone and you won't ever be."
"Look, Joel... I'm fine-"
"Ellie, I know you're not." Opening her eyes for the first time, her thoughts were hazy blurs, but she had taken in his expression, bathed in the soft words and felt the comforting touch of familiar hands. Each time she had cried they came at once and so the idea of safety in her world developed, a foundation on which her future personality would rest. In the years that followed life wasn't so simple. That night almost envisioned her greatest fear.
She always thought the root of all fears, the rotten root of mankind, is the 'fear of need' and our task is to meet this fear with the same resistance a rock shows to the wind - that the resolved person lets fear blow around them and remains resolute. And she knows, at some point, she'll have to move on.
"You're right, I'm not fine. It's just- I'm trying to put it behind me but it keeps creeping back into my mind."
"What happened to me... I'm here and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. I just hate seeing you like this."
It took Ellie a moment to respond. Fiddling with the mug in her palms, the last sip of her drink dulled to a lukewarm taste, she placed it on the counter. The petite girl ran a hand through her short almond hair, grinning up at him.
"Yeah, well there's no point in sitting around feeling sorry for myself. May as well make myself useful"
"You sure you're gonna be alright, kiddo?" The man glanced between Ellie and the aforementioned outside, to which he received a nod in return. "Alright, fine by me. Just be safe."
"Aren't I always?" She interposed sarcastically, letting out a giggle, corners of her lips upturned.
"Ah, there's the Ellie I know. See ya later, kid." He announced, turning his head to face Tommy who'd just waltzed in. And with that, Ellie stood up, making her way to the front. Running her hand down the elongated handle, then seizing it to turn into the sharp breeze of winter biting at her cheeks as she looked across the landscape. The flags strung up on walls thrashed violently against the winds. Switching her attention to the derelict city streets, feeling almost alien to the usual flurry of life. The only word she could use to describe it was peaceful.
Little did she know it wouldn't last.
°•. ✿ .•°
╔═══*.·:·.☽✧ ✦ ✧☾.·:·.*═══╗
𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞
Y'all rly thought I was gonna kill off Joel? How we feeling so far?
