To Believe You

One

Dan's POV:

The fist reaction you have when someone asks to hangout or facetime or generally be in your company tells you everything you need to know about that relationship. But even then, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate exactly how you feel about a certain person or the connection you have with said person.

I've gone through this same inner conflict time and time again, and I still don't know how to take my own hint when my stomach drops seeing an incoming call from the one person that gives me anxiety when this happens. Even as I instantly knew I wouldn't be picking up the dreaded call, my entire body centering around the deepest pit of my stomach were sent into a frenzy, threatening to remain in this state if I so much as considered answering.

Five years ago, this feeling would have come from my "friend" Nicky. Three years ago, I'd bet everything I had the person responsible to be my, once again, "friend" Johnathan.

The last few years however, this incredibly overwhelming feeling of needing a way of excusing another ignored call was in the hands of the slew of boyfriends I've had, who ironically I had only even bothered with to hopefully drive away some of these horrible attacks on my well being which normally remain stagnant for the next few hours at least.

Today was no different. I had been stringing this one along for the past couple months, after the first week already wishing for him to simply not exist in my life anymore. I looked at my phone as the last waves of the vibrating pattern played out, each one adding another layer to my already panicked state. Luke's name still lit up on the screen for a bit as the dial stopped, I knew as soon as it naturally turned off from the lack of usage his name would be the reason it instantly turned on again as another text accusing me of ignoring him would come through.

Sure enough, as soon as my phone alerted me of that exact scenario in the form of an additional pathetic vibration, I groaned out loud in frustration at the now painful feeling in my gut. I felt dramatic at the thought I would likely have to take a nervous shit all because my boyfriend tried to contact me. I knew. Deep down I knew exactly what the problem was. I needed to break up with him, I'd seen the red flags practically throwing themselves at me not to long after we began dating.

Though I had a habit of leaving those thoughts as subconscious ones and continuing to convince myself that my concerns were nothing more than being over cautious. I could also recognize that I had a habit of pushing people away, distrusting in fear of being hurt. Only to go to the opposite extreme and put all of my faith and dependence on a relationship when I decided to give it a chance.

These habits resulted in having only a few, but very close friends who I would die for, but complete denial after realizing I put my faith in yet another toxic individual. And just like every time before now, I didn't want to deal with the predicament I found myself in with Luke. I just wish I could will it all away. The conversation we inevitably had to have and him in general.

For now though, I was just trying to remember to breath and get over the worst of this sudden anxiety brought on by my own stupidity. I hadn't even realized my eyes had fallen closed until they were blinking open at the sound of someone knocking at my door. It was likely PJ as he'd be the only one home currently.

"Yeah?" I spoke up reluctantly, trying with guilt to add disinterest in my tone, hoping to discourage him from initiating any sort of conversation that I'd have to put any real thought into. I really just wanted to suffer through the rest of my inner turmoil until it exhausted me enough to sleep.

"Hey, just wanted to let you know I made some dinner if you wanted to come eat with me, maybe watch something?" he seemed reluctant, and I immediately felt like an asshole knowing I'd have to reject his offer for the third time this week. I would normally jump on the opportunity to spend time with him, but this week in particular had been extra stressful.