Falling

Hope

We have found a door. This could be our hope, flashes of my wedding dress come to my mind.

I jump in the air with delight and a single tear falls down my face, but after much pushing and heaving I know it was a false hope. Sweat dribbles down my forehead, knew I should have listened to my moms advice and gone to a gym. Only moments have passed, but every time I blink I see flashes of my past- my first heartbreak, sitting at my college desk stressing over deadlines, sleepovers with my best friend, graduation day, my grandparents funerals and dancing in my room to Taylor Swift to avoid doing work with my roommate (who was probably high). Is this what it feels like to know you will die? No. I will live.

When I was 7 we were in a car crash, I can't remember a single moment of it. Just the helplessness and breathlessness of a second that lasted for a year. But for months afterwards I would have nightmares, tears would wet my pillow, and every night my dad would come into my room and hug me, until I fell deep into blissful sleep. Sometimes I would just close my eyes and enjoy the embrace of my dad, but he'd think I was asleep. One time I remember he whispered in my ear ' My darling girl, I will always protect you, that's my promise, my girl, never fear I've got you' Whenever I was scared as I grew up I remembered that, even in the midst of teenage tantrums and college drama I knew I would be okay.

My eyes stare at what used to be a window. There is a way out. My heart sinks deeper than ever before. I want to get married, go to Europe on honeymoon, build cribs for our children, get promoted at work and grow old enough to see grandchildren.

I look at my rescuer, he looks empty, as if he has already chosen to forget all his memories. Our eyes meet as we stare at the window. Without a single word between us we hold hands, as more crashes around us but that doesn't matter now, and step into the blue sky, still holding his firm hand. Suddenly I feel as if I have failed and I feel guilty- the man's hand I am holding as I twirl and whirl- I don't even know his name. For a second I meet his deep green eyes which are clear of tears as how can you cry when there's too much hurt of what is never to come? I mouth thank you before we start twirling into a dance again. I hope my love can't see me because I am not just falling but failing, but i know its not my fault nor his. Thank you stranger man for a chance to imagine my wedding day one last time. Thank you, I say to myself I wasn't alone.