The Hill (Seinfeld Fan fiction)

The Hill

  "I can't believe we're doing this," George says, "what kind of place doesn't have an airport?"

"I don't know," Jerry whines, "you know how Kramer is; he's always going off these impulses."

"Arcata, who's heard of Arcata?"

Jerry looks at George and shrugs then looks back to the road.

"You'd think he would meet us in San Francisco. We're the ones who flew all the way across the country. Can't he meet us halfway? It's not even if halfway, it's like an eighth of the way, not even!"

"We flew to San Francisco for my show, not to just see him," Jerry reminds him.

"Yeah, but you didn't have to tell him that."

"Oh you know how he is, if we waited for him in San Francisco, who knows how long we'd be waiting. It's just a six hour drive, who knows when the next time we'll see him will be."

"Six hours? We've already been driving three and I don't think we're halfway there. We're making terrible time."

"What is it with you and making time? We're on a vacation here, where do you have to be? You don't have a job or a woman. Is your mom expecting you to be back for dinner?"

"Yeah, really good. Just keep rubbing it in," George says, violently rubbing the dashboard, "let's just stop up here."

"Why?"

"I need to pee and I want a coffee."

"A coffee is just going to make you have to pee again."

"Yeah, so what? It gives me a sense of urgency when driving. Plus I need the energy."

"Yeah, you really need more anxiety in your life."

"Come on just pull over."

"Fine," Jerry groans.

They exit to a gas station on the outskirts of Santa Rosa. Jerry tops the fuel tank off while George goes inside.

"You got a large?" Jerry whines.

"24 ounces baby! We're going to make great time. Toss me the keys."

Jerry rolls his eyes and threw the keys to George.

George starts the VW Passat and roars off from the gas station. He merges onto highway 101 and begins going 90 miles per hour, weaving in between lanes.

"You drive like an idiot! Slow down!" Jerry yells.

"Don't you worry, Jerry, you're in good hands."

After an hour and a half they came to a construction zone.

"No! No! Come on, we were making such good time," George complains, braking to an abrupt stop, "we're in the middle of nowhere and stuck in traffic, perfect!"

"We're not in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh excuse me, we're just outside Willits, because everyone knows where Willits is Jerry! Willits is where it's at!"

"So we're in Willits, what's the problem."

"We just passed Willits, and I gotta pee."

"Oh perfect, I told you not to drink that coffee. Why didn't you stop in Willits?"

"Because I didn't have to pee in Willits. And now I can't pull over because there's no shoulder."

"It looks like you're just going to have to wait," Jerry says with a smile.