Sweet Intoxication

Chapter Six

Christine and I continued our lessons after her reahearsals, where I happened to meet the daroga and play a few games of chess. I knew that he could sense something was amiss, but he never clearly addressed it. He would make little comments between games that hinted heavily at his knowledge. It had become rather tiresome, and some days I debated on whether or not I should even go. However, seeing Christine's improvement and others react to it was too satisfying to miss.
A couple of weeks passed with as much normality that could be expected in our situation and things were going as well as expected. Of course, there were times when my temper would flare, but otherwise I doted on Christine and tried to be as good as I could. Although I had thought more time with Christine would begin to calm the lust I felt for her, it only seemed to grow as time went on. I was rather good at hiding my feelings from her, but whenever I tried to work, she was the only thing on my mind. This feeling only made my self-loathing worse.
How could I think such hideous thoughts? She was an angel and I knew, I was truly the most wretched thing upon this earth. It wasn't bad enough I had such an offensive appearance, but my mind and soul were tainted as well. Every time I met with her, I resisted the urge to throw myself at her feet and confess my sins. In turn, this self-loathing caused rather unpredictable waves of anger that usually would result in making a disaster of my workroom, frightening Christine, or the occasional broken object.
Despite all this eating away at me, I found peace - or as close as I could get to it - when Christine and I sang together. One day, Christine came into her dressing room looking rather perturbed. She looked adorable with that little frown and pouting face, but I could tell she was flustered. I asked her what was wrong and she sat in a chair, her arms tightly crossed. "He treats me like such a child!" I assumed she was speaking of Raoul, and I was surprised to hear of any problems. She usually was gushing about how happy she was. "I can't stand it! I'm not a little girl anymore and I can take care of myself," she whined.
"I'm sorry, dove," I said in the most soothing and gentle voice I could. "Come. I shall help you relax before the lesson." She nodded, I started the mechanism and we were off. We made small talk on the way down, but once we were settled in my home with a glass of sherry and platter of food, I decided to ask about Raoul.
Flushing a shade of red, she put down the glass of sherry. "I do not even wish to speak of him right now," she said decidedly. "I fear it would spoil the lovely time I am having with you."
"You are too sweet, my dear." I smiled, but I had to know what Raoul had done. After all, he was supposed to be her perfect man. "What has he done to make you so upset?"
Christine sighed in exasperation. "Really, Erik, it doesn't matter." Her eyes darted away. Her blonde curls bounced as she looked towards the organ. "Could we please begin our lesson?" Since upsetting Christine was the last thing I wanted to do, I agreed and lead her to the piano.
"What shall we practice, Christine?" I asked once she sat in her seat. She chose a piece by Mozart, which was strange considering she should have been practicing a piece from the opera for tomorrow evening. However, I did not wish to thwart her any further and handed her the sheet music.
As I was waiting for Christine to select a song, I watched her. Her blue eyes were squinted as she looked through her options, and a couple of locks of her blonde hair had fallen rather beautifully about her face. Her beauty had always surpassed that of the angels in heaven, but it was in this state that she seemed the most alluring. Or it could be when she sang, for her voice was such a flawless instrument. Or perhaps it was when she was sleeping and her youthful face seemed so peaceful. Or - That's quite enough, my own mind interrupted. She is no longer the girl you were infatuated with, she is Madame De Chagny, not Mademoiselle Daaé.
"Erik? Are you alright?"
Realizing I had been rendered speechless by her utter perfection, and failed to hear her when she had made her decision, I shook the thoughts from my mind. "My apologies, dove. Erik's mind is a labyrinth and rather easy to get lost in." Clearing my throat, I sat up straight and placed my skeletal hands over the keys.
I began to play, and the two of us were flung into the music. Closing my eyes I let myself go. My mind, which was normally chaotic and generally painful, seemed to be in a state of bliss. Once or twice, I opened my eyes to see Christine while she sang. Simply perfect. I thought. Her cheeks always turned a fetching shade of pink when she sang. How on earth did a man such as Raoul make a girl such as Christine love him? I asked myself. Perhaps it's because he does not resemble a corpse, The other voice in my mind suggested. That was a rhetorical statement. Now, if you would let me return to my lesson? The voice went quiet and I finished the lesson with Christine.
As I was walking with Christine along the long path to her dressing room, I decided to ask once again about whatever Raoul had done. "Why do you wish to know? Honestly, Erik, you seem to be obsessed." Christine sighed, but smiled adorably at me.
"My dear Christine, if you have not noticed my obsessive tendencies before, I fear you lack basic observation skills." I chuckled darkly.
She twisted her hands together nervously, looking everywhere but towards me. "Very well," she said in exasperated voice. "Since I can tell you would give me no peace until I told you. Even though it really is not a big deal." She slowed her pace until she came to a stop, then leaned against the wall. "Looking back on it, I realize how silly it all was. Some of the girls from the ballet had invited me to a nearby café before rehearsal. However when I talked to Raoul about it, he refused to let me go without him. This should not have upset me so much, but I just could not believe he does not trust me."
"Well," I interrupted her gently, "the last time you were to make a choice between the two of us, you had chosen Erik." I had hoped to make light of the situation with the joke, but Christine turned just a little red in the cheeks.
"Erik, you know as well as I do that there really was no other choice. You were going to kill him!" She said in an exasperated tone.
"And wouldn't that be too bad, for your little puppy to be hurt," I leered. I had not meant to sound so cruel, but I simply had no control over it. "What you did not see was that your leaving almost killed me. Not a month ago, I was lying in my deathbed because of a broken heart. Yet, even though I knew you were the cause of my end, I could not stop imagining you returning to save me. But it never happened." I turned away from Christine, unable to look her in the face. "I must not have been worthy of being saved by the angel, Christine," I said bitterly.
Christine was silent for a moment. "Is that really what you think, Erik?" Her voice was quiet and slightly shaken.
"Is there anything that proves against my thoughts?" I asked coldly.
"Very well," she murmured. I could tell she was trying to hide the fact that she was crying. "Thank you for the lesson, Erik. I shall be able to return to my dressing room on my own from here." She picked up her skirts that touched the ground and began to walk away.
You fool! That is not how you treat the only woman you have ever loved. Have you lost your sanity? I scolded myself in my head as I followed quickly after Christine. Due to the length of my legs compared to little Christine's, I caught up rather quickly. I grasped her hand and fell to my knees before her.
"Please, my dove, forgive my sin. You must understand, I did not mean to sound so cruel."
Christine tried to pull away. "Erik, I said I shall be able to make it on my own. I would appreciate it if you let me leave."
I grasped her hand tighter and lifted my mask just enough to kiss it gently. "Christine, please do not leave again. I fear it would be fatal for Erik." Tears burned in my eyes, for I knew if she left my heart could not stand such pain again. "I know you do not love me, but please have pity on my wretched soul. Surely you could forgive a fallen angel's terrible sin." I had released her hand and kissed the hem of her skirts feverishly. Although I knew this was rather undignified, I could not live with myself after such a thing.
I felt Christine's hand gently brush the top of my head and she untied my mask, as she had done many times when she fears I might choke. This, I had come to expect whenever I had entered one of my melodramatic states. However, what I did not expect, was to feel her crouch next to me on the floor and press her lips to mine.
Her soft, gentle hands touched the sides of my hideous face, shaking very slightly. As she kissed me, I could feel in my cold heart, a warmth I had never known. When she pulled away, I could see tears in her eyes. We were both silent for a long moment, until she spoke.
"How can you doubt my love for you, Erik?" Her voice shook and I knew she had not expected it either. "I am risking my entire life and marriage every time I come here. If I did not love you, why would I do such a thing?"
Finally, I gained the courage to look at her and speak. "Why, then? Why did you abandon me, Christine?" I knew that I did not want to know the answer, but I needed to know the answer.
"Raoul was . . . safe. I had grown up with him and I understood my love for him." She explained, taking my hands in hers and looking sadly into my eyes. "Erik, you frightened me. To tell the truth, you still frighten me. I have infinite tenderness for you, and I always will. You are my angel, and I love you so very much."
"Then stay with me, Christine. Your Raoul can not offer you half of what Erik can." I begged, hoping she would see reason. "Raoul is capable of living without you, but Erik is not. Before I met you, I was merely existing in this cellar. Please - "
Christine gently put her finger to my mouth, silencing me. "We could not do that. I still love Raoul, he is my husband. I am no longer the girl I was and I could not do such a thing. It would cost my entire life. I am sorry." She stood and lifted me to my feet with her. "We must not act on our love."
I fell silent again, looking down forlornly at my love. What was I to do now that I knew she loved me in return? It was then that I had a brilliant idea. "What if, Christine, we could? No one would know, but the two of us. Everyone suspects that I am dead, there is no way they would figure it out. Do you not see it? It is perfect!" I turned to Christine and looked at her expectantly.
She furrowed her brow and looked up at me in confusion. "What on earth are you talking about, Erik? That is madness!" She turned away and pressed a hand to her lips. "I am not capable of such a thing," she murmured.
"You did it well enough when you were pretending to love me and played that engagement game with your puppy," I grumbled bitterly.
"That was a completely different situation, Erik!" She said in exasperation, throwing up her hands.
"True, you promised to spend your life with the both of us, whereas now, you are only sworn to him." I smirked, I had a rather valid argument.
Christine sighed and put a hand over her forehead, "Erik - "
"Christine, please. It really is not as impossible as you think it is," I interrupted.
She was quiet for a moment and I knew I had gotten her to think about it. She picked up my mask and put it in my hands. "Very well, Erik. I will think about it." At these words, my heart leapt with joy. "This does not mean I am saying yes, do you understand?"
I nodded as I took my mask and placed it on my face in order to cover my triumphant smile. "Of course, Christine. Now, may I walk you to your dressing room? Raoul should be expecting you very promptly." I offered her my arm and she took it hesitantly.
As I bid her farewell at her dressing room, Christine lifted my mask and quickly brushed her lips against mine. "I shall think about you proposal until we meet again. Good night, Erik," she said quietly before she turned to walk to her home.
I lingered just for a moment, then made the lonely walk to my home in the cellar.