Kissing Troyler

Part 8

Tyler

I had so many thoughts and questions running through my head but none of that mattered right now. All that matters is Troye. I have to get him to a safe place. A place he can feel secure and not pressured.

 After our long embrace I wrap my arm around Troye- almost as if my arm was a wing and Troye was being sheltered- slowly I bring him around the back hall and to the door. I don’t want the gang to see him like this. Even though I am being selfish I just want this to be between Troye and I. Something only we share.

“Wait here.” I whisper to Troye.

When I enter the living room the game has heated between Marcus and Alfie- everyone is so entranced they barely notice me whisper to Zoe that Troye isn’t feeling well and I offered to take him back to my place. Without any questions Zoe just knowingly nods and shoos my off before the others start to ask questions.

When I return to the door I notice that Troye has literally not moved a muscle from where I left him. I put my hand on his shoulder and I feel him flinch at my touch. Frightened. Almost afraid at first and then I feel him start to crumble again. I warp him up again and I can tell it is killing him to show this much emotion so I pretend that I don’t see his weakness as I walk him to my car.

  Troye

I haven’t moved since Tyler left. I keep telling myself that he only walked to the other room- he will be back. My mind says otherwise though. I’m a mess. I wouldn’t blame him if doesn’t want to have to deal with all the baggage that I am carrying. 

After a couple minutes I hear footsteps behind me but I cant even muster the energy to turn around and make sure it is Tyler. Instead I just stay still until I feel a hand on my shoulder. Instantly flashes of cold dark nights fog my vision. Things I have tried so hard to forget. As hard as I try to forget and ignore they seem to always find a way back- tonight has just opened the barricade that I have built.

And lucky Tyler- he gets to watch it unfold. Just great Troye. Let your biggest crush know all of your dirty laundry on the first date. Ha-ha first date? I wish.

Troye

After a practically silent car ride we finally arrived back at Tyler’s apartment. When I walked in it was messier than I expected- but not too messy. Messy enough to know someone lived there. Just the perfect mess.

I made my way over the couch and took a seat. After pouring us some drinks Tyler joined me on the couch.

Taking my drink in my hands. I muster a “Thank You.” When the words came out I inched back in my seat- surprising myself that anything even came out of my mouth at all. As if I was going to mold into the cushions and slowly erase myself from this situation. Return to my natural “wallflower” position.

For some reason it didn’t just stop there. I couldn’t stop there. “No, I don’t mean just ‘thank you’ for the drink. Thank you for everything. For understanding me even without any words, for comforting me with only a hug. And for not, not laughing at me in the bathroom in Zoe’s.” I can feel my voice crack as I try to continue, I have yet to get my gaze up from the floor, but I swallow back the tears and continue. “I have watched every coming out video out but I still feel like something is missing. I still feel lost. Everyone seems to have this huge weight lifted off of them once they finally ‘look at themselves in a mirror and say the words ‘I’m gay’.  I have done this so many times and yet I still feel—I don’t know. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should just--”

At that moment I remembered I was actually talking aloud. I had got so lost in my thoughts I must have forgot where I was. At the mention of “him” my eyes went wide and my head shot upright until my eyes directly met Tyler’s. It was the first time I even acknowledged his presence since we had got to his apartment.

I’m not really sure what I expected to see when I finally looked at Tyler. But watching heavy tears roll down his sweet face was definitely not on my list.