Dear Dad,
It's almost my birthday, I'm almost 17. Every day it seems more and more like I'll never see you again. Mom says you're in heaven and well with everything I've done I'm definitely going to hell. I realize now that I've come out to mom and James (he won't let us call him Jamie anymore he hasn't since he was around 4. I don't remember if you were still here or not for that) but anyway, I'm pansexual. I know you'd probably support me but now after being in heaven for so long I just don't know anymore. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. I know you'll always love me but I'm not sure if I do. In fact I know I don't. God hates me, I hate me, and you probably do too. You're the one person I love more than anything and I want to believe you'll still love me but no one else does. Everyday I fuck up. Mom found out about my eating disorder kind of but she just brushed it off, she does that a lot. When I told her I tried to kill myself she pulled me out of therapy, when I told her I don't eat she joked about getting me treated with no real effort behind it, when I told her about Matt she blamed me for not being smart enough to know better. I love her and I love James and I love you but I just don't love myself. Mom says that I'm so young and I've gone through so much but in 17 years I've been raped 4 times, lost my father, tried to OD, developed an eating disorder, been in 3 abusive relationships, had pictures of me spread around, self harmed, become an alcoholic and a nicotine addict, and I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm trying to be happy and I just can't. I've ended up pushing everyone away or lashing out when I can't deal with it anymore. I'm alone wit's people who love me now but what's going to happen when I'm just alone. If I stop will you hate me? I know you probably already do but just know I love you.
