DARK

TANGLED

-DAY 2-

I listened to the water in the shower hit the bottom of the tub. I was about to have my first shower since I arrived here. I should rephrase that; my first real shower. I stared at myself in the mirror, terrified of what was underneath the clothes. The giant mirror showed everything down to my waist. I knew as soon as I saw what was underneath, I would hate myself. I may not have been able to control the weight loss, but I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach when I looked in the mirror. Five minutes passed, and I still was staring at my reflection. I shouldn't feel guilty for something that an evil man did to me. So why did I? I started pacing around the bathroom. There had to be something I could do that would make it so I can't see myself. Not just in the mirror, but also when I'm looking down in the shower. Suddenly, I realized something I had lived up to now in the dark. I would be fine taking a bath with the lights off.

I flicked the light switch and turned back towards the mirror. I was completely blind. I quickly took my clothes off and pushed them to the side with my foot. I made my way towards the shower with my hands out. The curtain was soft on my fingers as I ran them along the side until it ended. I pulled it open slightly, and cautiously stepped into the shower. The steam felt like heaven, and as the hot water flowed over my skin, I inhaled deeply. I felt like I was at a spa. I felt a smile form on my face as all the worry was washed away with the caked-on dirt that had built up on my skin. The other shower that Red provided never had good enough water pressure, and it was always cold. I turned around and let the water run through my hair and down my back. The moment brought me back to sitting in a tub as my mom washed my hair. She would pour water from a pitcher down onto my head to wash the soap out. I usually sat there with a cloth held over my eyes to prevent the soap from sneaking in. I hated the way it burned.

I felt around in the shower for the bottle of soap. I didn't know which one I grabbed, because it was too dark to read. I didn't care; it was going to clean my hair no matter what it was. I poured a considerable puddle into my hand and set the bottle down. The soap lathered as I massaged it into my scalp. It was hard to stop because I never had enough time to give myself such a head massage. It was one of the best feelings in the world. As I leaned my head back and let the water rinse away the dirt, all I could think about was how nice it would feel to have someone massage the soap into my hair for me. It was one thing to give yourself a head massage, but another when someone else does it. I used the same bottle of soap and slathered it onto my body. I could feel the areas where there were scars and roughness from all the trauma it has gone through, sleeping on dirty sheets 24/7, cement floors, beatings from Red, and not having proper hygiene for over a year.

Once I rinsed the soap off, I felt around for a razor, not caring whether it was a men's or women's. There was one part of my body that had been through so much that it needed a good clean. Having no toilet paper while being a girl is absolute hell. Not only did I have to do my business on the floor regularly, but I never had anything to use as a pad when I was on my period. The bacteria and god knows what else is disgusting. Now that I had access to lotion, I wasn't worried about razor burn. I started shaving, only using my fingers as a guide to where the hair was. The whole process took a long time, exceptionally, since it hadn't been cared for at all. I was beginning to remember how good it felt to let all areas of my body breathe. Once I finished, I set the razor down on the tub floor and turned off the water. It took a while of reaching and feeling around, but I finally pulled the towel off the hook and wrapped myself in it.

Getting out of the shower, I noticed how nice it felt to have a bath mat on my feet. If my toes could speak, they'd be crying out in happiness right now. It was quite the upgrade from the uneven cement floor. I used my hands to feel as I dried myself off, making sure I didn't miss a spot. After my clothes were on, I poked around for the light switch and flipped it towards the ceiling. My hair was tangled, but my face was clean from dirt. I turned back to the shower and grabbed the razor I had used. I rinsed it out and put it back, closing the shampoo bottle as I did. I grabbed one of the brushes from the bathroom counter and began to brush through the mop on my head. I shut my eyes tightly and bit my lip; this was way more painful than I thought it would be.