End of the Year, End of My Life

Could it get worse or could it become perfect?

Mid semester it got worse. The work was harder, grades were dropping and the number of absences were adding up again. I was falling fast and hard and nobody was there to catch me. That's when I started two things that would change my life for the worse. I didn't  know what they were back then but everyday I would have panic attacks, they weren't as bad as I have now but mostly because I didn't know what it was. I also started depression.

I would think of it everyday. People didn't care about me. Why would they care when I died? I was alone and no one was there in my worst times why should I give them my best times. There was no point in living. I was going to fail my classes and I couldn't do it. Even my father doubted me. Everyday I would get pestered, either for always being sick or for not being able to pass my classes. There was no point in life if I couldn't even get past middle school. My friends weren't even there for me. I had no place to turn to at school or at home.

My only safe place was in theater. I had the closest knitt group of friends who all shared the same interests, went through the same problems and truely cared about me. That was really hard to find anywhere else. When I acted I didn't have to be Sara Dalley I could be anyone I wanted, I didn't have depression within those four walls. When I came home I could call any one of them and they were there. I could cry and no one would judge. I could be vulnerable in a world where vulnerable people are taken advantage of. I could say anything I wanted and they would listen and talk to me. They were family, in fact they were a better family than I had at home.

I had a really tough time staying alive. I was switched to a new pill that I had a side effect of depression.And when I was thinking of suicide as an option I went to my theater friends. They kept me going for awhile. I got really close to an amazing person, Jade. She and I talked for long hours of the night into the mornings. We gave each other advice and spilled our feelings and most of all kept each other strong and living on for months.

My depression back then wasn't bad. Just thoughts of suicide but that was it. Over the summer I was free of headaches and being depressed all the time. I met my love but my life wasn't perfect because my home life came crashing down on me.