End of the Year, End of My Life

No more safe zones

My home became hell within minutes of a fight with my parents. Yells, screams, hits and tears. And worse happened when my mom took my father's side. I wasn't a perfect child, I was in the wrong but being betrayed and abused in the same hour of what was suppose to be a happy summer evening threw me over the edge. I was once again lonely, I once again had anxiety attacks because of my unstable emotions towards my family. I didn't feel comfortable around them and I would panic when they were near me. I couldn't talk to them straight because I would freak out. I hated them so much.

I went to my crush for help although I can't call him my crush because I am in love with him, I'm not falling for him or like like him because that is stupid and childish. I am in love with Ashy. I called him up and he picked me up and took me away from my hell of a home. That was the day we became close. He was my N

new Jade. We talked everyday but it wasn't cute. It was him being my superman. He saved me from killing myself on multiple occasions and he was the only person who could brighten my day.

Love seems so perfect and being in love is great but my life was far from perfection. I wanted to kill myself every single day. Depression was back again, panic/anxiety attacks were back and I was feeling lonely. I stayed at school for as long as I could which meant being there at seven am and home at 6pm. I also spent as much time away from my parents, straight to my room, headphones in. All of this worked so I wouldn't have anxiety at home but that meant I was alone everyday after my bad days at school. Being depressed and alone may be the worse combination. That meant many suicide attempts ans thoughts and long phone calls with Ash who doesn't even know I love him.

One day the worst came upon me. I was having a great morning. I would be at school before seven and I had tons of food for the day. I was almost out the door with my music on when my mom pulled me back. I started to freak from her touch but I kept a calm demeanor. I tried giving her short answers and nods and then proceeding to the door. She stepped in front and continued talking then questioning my going to school so early. Gave another short answer then tried pushing my way past the door. She wouldn't budge so I turned and quickly moved to the garage door. My mom caught my hand then slid past me to block that exit. When I turned again to move back out the front door I felt a firm hand on my arm. I pulled. All I was focused on then was getting the monster of a hand that caused horrible panic attacks. I had a to-go-oatmeal in my hand and when I attempted to yank my arm free again it spilled. My arm was free but my body stopped. Because of this mess on the arm I have to clean it up and spend more time in the house.

My father stormed downstairs and joined the rampage. They threatned to take away my freedom which would include me being forced to spend my time with them so I stayed and fake listened. Okay I did listen but it was all stupid crap and them my mother started to cry. She was so hurt. I honestly felt kind of bad but my feelings of hate, defiance and rage were dominant over the feelings of the sympathy. All those feelings combine made me wasn't to cry and throw up because I still felt uncomfortable. And so I laughed. Laughter was my way of expressing my feelings because I didn't want to cry which was the other way. That showed them that they were right and they were not.

I finally left the house and desperately called my two best friends Ash and Danny. None of them answered so I had to wait until I saw Danny at break. With my luck he wasn't there.

My favorite class was English and it was right before lunch. I was a tad bit worried about the workload but I couldn't work whatsoever because I was having a anxiety attack. I could barely speak but I managed to ask my teacher to leave the classroom until I calmed down. When I got into the hallway it truly attacked me. I was shaking, crying and in no control. May, a caring senior I knew ran into me in the hall and held me while I shook. She talked to me and then talked for me when my worried teacher checked on me. What hurt more was that he asked me to go home. My teacher told me to go home and at that time I realized that I had no place to feel safe. School will always be temporary but home is forever, but I didn't want home to be forever, I didn't even what it to last more than a day.

As usual the only thing that kept me alive were Ashton and Daniel.