Never Alone

Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

We were assigned nurses. The girls got Lorelei and the boys got Travis. After lunch we were taken back to our rooms so we could settle in and hear how things worked when we were at the hospital. Lorelei was young, maybe twenty-four. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she wore form-fitting scrubs instead of the baggy ones the other hospital staff had on. She seemed to radiate sunshine as she walked and her voice was almost childlike, so sweet that at times it made my ears hurt. I liked her immediately.

"Your parents have been asked to send you clothes. The packages should get here tomorrow, but for now we have some T-shirts you can wear and some black pants or shorts. The underwear are all brand new—I ask that you please throw them away when yours arrive from home, as we don't reuse them, but I'll take back the pants, shorts, and T-shirts." She passed out a few items to Shima, Aideen, and myself.

The beds were simply made, just a sheet, blanket, and pillow. I knew I wouldn't feel safe anywhere I slept, so I didn't rush to claim one. As Lorelei motioned for a drawer to open and explained something, the three of us girls stood at the entrance solemnly watching her. I wondered if they were thinking the same thing I was: that I didn't belong there. I didn't belong this far away from my parents, in a room with strangers, in a medical center in a state I'd never been to. Maybe that's why it never felt like I was truly in my body.

In another world maybe Lorelei could have been my residential advisor and these beds could have been in the dorm room of the college of my choice. Maybe Shima and Aideen could be my roommates and tomorrow we could be starting our first day of a new adventure. In another life, maybe I wouldn't space out when people were talking to me. Maybe I would be able to concentrate like I used to and fall asleep without fearing the dark corners of my mind. Maybe in another life . . . I'd want to live.

"Koralee?" Lorelei asked as she moved a little closer. "I want you to pick a bed first." She looked at each bed slowly as if to point to each with her eyes. I hurried to catch up, feeling my heart beating quickly and causing a choking sensation as if it was trying to escape through my throat. I swallowed a few times in an attempt to push it back down.

"It's fine. Someone else can choose." I folded my arms tightly across my chest, holding myself in an effort to soothe the panic I felt creeping back. How could I be so exhausted and yet my heart could still have enough juice to pump so powerfully my lungs could barely keep up? I hated when eyes were on me.

Lorelei shook her head. "No. I think it's best if you choose, honey. Outside edge or the one in the middle? Closest to the door or farthest? Close your eyes and take a minute. Think of where you'd get the most rest. Where you think you'd be able to . . . relax." Her voice was soft and reassuring.

I closed my eyes, more to appease her than to figure out an answer. I already knew that it didn't matter where I was, I'd never again be able to close my eyes and rest without a million thoughts buzzing like angry bees inside my skull. Never. "I'll take the one closest to the door."

"Okay." She smiled at me when I opened my eyes and then pointed to the bed next to mine. "Aideen, you can take this one so you can get in and out easily if you need to get up and stretch your legs." Aideen nodded and moved to sit on her bed, giving it a little bounce once she landed on it. Shima moved to the last bed.

We tucked our few items of clothing into the drawers and I noticed there were other necessities inside already: a toothbrush and paste, a hairbrush, lotion, soap, towel, rag, and socks. Maybe if I pretended enough I could fool myself into thinking this was a hotel instead of a hospital for crazy teenagers. Did it really matter, though? No. All that mattered was it wasn't my house and it wasn't my school. I didn't have the heavy weight of expectations here and the constant visual reminder that I was letting my parents and brother down by not being able to get my shit together. In a way I had still managed to disappear.