SHE

Thought (In love)

She

I'm afraid to be in love. Truthfully. If I ever accidentally aware of my own feelings toward that one guy, I will quickly shut them out by shutting down any emotions in me too.

I will try my best to keep him away even though I needed to make up stories just so to make the distance between us become further than before, I would. I would try to make him hated me.

I remembered making up stories telling that guy that my cousin hated him for being with me and that we must stop texting each other.

I'm not sure as to why I felt this way. Why everytime I felt this way, or found myself in this type of situation, I would push away these guys.

They didn't have any fault or commit any sins towards me and yet I was cruelly punishing them by treating them badly. It was harsh of me but that's the only thing that would make me feeling safe, secured and in some ways torturing them pleased me. And I'm tired of this side of me. It's so toxic. I hated and loathed every piece of me. Even through this hatred towards myself for being this way, I still enjoyed the pleasure in torturing them, hurting them and seeing their misery.

Sometimes, I saw the misery in the eyes of some of those innocent guys.
Sometimes, I as well saw the sparks of hope in their eyes,
Sometimes, I sensed a grudge they have been holding on to me,
And sometimes, I caught a glimpse of sympathy towards this lady.

They broke. Is it because of me? Or simply because they let themselves to be broken ?

I saw wrecked souls when I tried to look at them.

I could care less because that's what I have always wanted. I wanted reasons for me to move on from my wrongdoings. I needed assurance to tell myself that all these things I have been doing is the right thing I ought to do for I myself not deserving those all mighty guys, close to perfect type of guys, well-mannered and also well-educated guys. It is also to make myself believes that I am safe in my own circle, the box that I never wanted to leave because living outside of it would danger myself or even my life, at least that's how I put my belief into. Such a scaredy cat. Selfishly I have let myself made those souls broke upon my eyes.

After all, I am a ragged doll. I have become too broken to handle. Too filthy to have. Too corrupted to be with.

Ironically , I still love seeing people love each other. The smiles they have everytime I saw love in their eyes never failed to make my heart swelled. I love to see love in front of me in someone else's face towards someone else but I dare not to experience it. Crossed-fingers.

And with that she ended her writings today.

Selfishly,
_She_