Dreams and Whims

Guardian Angel

Looking at the title, it suddenly seems pretty misleading. No, I did not have a vision and gain a guardian angel. Hopefully I'll have that in the future.

Nope this is a damn dream about another guy. I am so FRUSTRATED I can't get a break man. This guy is someone who came back into my life and since like 2 people I know in real life, MAX, will read this, I'll use his real name.

So the dream was about this guy named Shawn. Yeah if you know me this already sounds familiar.

In he beginning of this dream, my skin was peeling because I was sunburned but that was just because the day I had the dream I had went out to the park with family and I was in the sun all day. I was subconsciously wondering if my skin would peel throughout the day. But that's besides the point.

I was with Shawn at his house, presumably, since I don't know what his house looks like. But we were cooking together I think and for some reason that included snipping cooked pasta? But I remember laughing a lot.

After our weird cooking session, we were on beanbag chairs together with my head on his shoulder as we watch a Studio Ghibli. It was so very cozy.

Next thing I know the setting morphs into a stationary store near my school. They sold things like small note books and pens and art supplies but with a lot of obscure items that could potentially be "quirky". You may of heard of the company; it's called "Flying Tiger Copenhagen". But the thing is Shawn is the one who took me to this store for the first time ever during sophomore year. He bought me like 3 things when he first took me, even when I refused. I remember he said:

"M'kay I'm not moving from this spot until you pick some things out."

And proceeded to stand in one spot like a child.I just got a few notebooks and some jewelry making equipment and shyly gave it to him. The whole act of people buying stuff for me just makes me say flustered I can't understand why. We were at checkout and I just hid my face in his shoulder because well, I wanted to hide.

This story is only one of the many times he treated me back when we were always so flirty with each other and were basically platonically dating. This specific reason is probably why the setting in my dream shifted. And the way that I can't remember what we did in that store (in my dream) is killing me!!

It then cut to me relaxing on a sofa type furniture with my friend Jess and she shows me something on her phone:

It's a snapchat story where Shawn is playfully recording me and I give him a peck on the lips and my whole body felt warm. Suddenly I was living in the snapchat story and I was no longer with Jess.

So I was back at Shawn's house and we just hug each other on a bed. Then I feel a terribly strong sense a worry, because even in the dream I start to freak out about how to lie to my family as to why I was out of the house. Dream me had thought that I just left the house without telling my family and went to Shawn's house so of course I was horrified at the potential punishment.

I was so dreadful that I woke up ._.

Shawn's relationship with me is very frustrating on my part.

Basics:

- We talked and flirted feb -mid march of 2019

- We both admitted to liking each other

- Didn't date because he didn't want to start something that would hurt us in the end since there would be no way for us to be in a family approved relationship (cultural differences)

- We did basically everything a sweet couple would do except the heated stuff and even then, we almost did

- He stopped talking to me without an explanation and I was too sad to reach out to him more

- Later (a year later) I learned that he had to work on himself because he didn't like the way that his life was going, and so he distanced from all friends (it wasn't just me)

But of course due to his lack of communication skills at the time, it hurt unbearably. What a coincidence that at the time, Billie Eilish's album had come out; I played "i love you" on repeat on a train ride home as I cried. Unbelievably pathetic I know but what can I say it was a cathartic release that lasted 3 weeks. 

He was really was extremely different from the other people I've talked to. He treated me like an actual royal it was crazy. Or maybe it was in my head since he's a naturally generous person and it's normal for people to behave this way and I've been cruelly deprived from it.

During that time where him and I were closest, I felt happy, I was productive, confidence shot through the roof because he made me believe I was worth something.

It felt like one of these cliche stories you find on here where the bad boy turns good because of a girl except the gender roles are reversed. I had stopped smoking totally because of him and I even cursed less which shocking if you know me personally.

He took me to my first Broadway show, he made me try dumplings for the first time, he got me energy drinks and candy every other day, made a list of things we would do together at some point in our lives. He promised he would do it; I still have the list on my phone and I brought it up when I was texting him recently. He said we will still do all of them eventually. He also shows acts of generosity similar to how he did before. He offered to UberEats something to my place and formulated a plan of how we could meet up during the summer which is such a STRETCH of a plan but is still a sign he wanted to see me none the less.

I'm talking about him a lot because I don't think I've ever digested these feelings about him properly. Better to do it more than a year later than never I suppose. There's still so much to unpack about us but I guess I'll do that in another chapter.

Also I put that specific song at the top because Shawn is a devout christian and I used to hangout with the wrong crowd and do drugs (other than weed) that I never really told anyone about except the people who did them with me. So I just thought the song somehow hold both of us in its meaning.

Honestly I'll always have a soft spot for him.