The Moment Before You Fall

One: In the Spotlight Again

I walk into the high school theater, taking a deep breath. I haven't been back since graduation. My shoes stick slightly to the floor, just like they did that summer day when I held Rebecca to my side having promised to give her my love for the rest of her life.

We were young and in love. She was dying. Cystic fibrosis. She was constantly in and out of the hospital. I met her as a tutor. I helped her in every math and science course she took throughout high school. She really struggled missing so much class, so we spent a lot of time together and little by little, we got closer.

I remember when she told me about her disease. She had a particular genetic mutation that was linked with shorter life expectancy, causing all sorts of complicating health conditions. One of which would ultimately lead to her early demise.

I remember the night I told her I loved her. She had pushed her limits, wanting to have a normal teenage experience of attending a dance, winter formal our senior year. She ended up being hospitalized through Christmas break. On the night before school started back, I sat beside her hospital bed.

"I'm going to fail." She moaned.

"I won't let that happen." I squeezed her hand. She looked at me and, in that moment, I remember thinking I wanted to shelter her from every worry she would ever face. She was already braver than any other girl I knew for what she experienced on the daily, yet here she was worrying over not passing high school physics.

"What?" She asked me, snapping me out of it. I'd never felt anything like this before. I cozied closer to her and she tried to push me away. "Stay back. I smell like iodine and old cheese."

I resisted, stroking my fingers through her ash brown hair. She might have been a bit worse for wear after three weeks in the hospital, but to me she looked perfect.

I pressed my lips to her forehead and uttered those words for the first time to someone I wasn't related to. "I love you, Rebecca."

I remember later that semester when her doctor wouldn't approve her for the Physics Day field trip to the local amusement park. It was basically the senior event of the year, other than prom of course. I offered to stay home with her and suffer through the shitty online simulations that I'm sure were programmed back in the 90s.

"You love rollercoasters. You're gonna build them some day. Don't let me hold you back." She insisted that I go and send her selfies every hour on the hour.

She regularly used that phrase with me. Don't let me hold you back.

I would never see it that way because it just meant more time with her. When you aren't sure when that will run out, but it's sooner rather than later, you cherish every moment you get.

We had big plans for prom. We made it halfway through before one of my friends, Kit, ended up puking all over his shoes and pants. We made sure Kit and his date made it home safely. I was sure the night was ruined, the magic of prom lost. But Rebecca had plans for us.

She booked a suite at one of the fancy resort hotels near the amusement park, but that wasn't it. After quickly changing out of our fancy duds, mine less fancy when speckled with my buddy's vomit, she had us snuck into the park after hours. She had paid a friend's older brother to operate the smallest ride they had so she could experience the thrill of riding beside me at least once. She had to take precautions to protect her delicate lungs, but I could tell by the way her eyes crinkled just how happy she was.

We had another first that night. Yes, it was cliché because we lost our virginity on prom night, but knowing that if I had my way, I would be not only her first, but her last lover made it all the more emotional. It was awkward as we both fumbled around like the novices that we were, but we laughed and made the most of it. It only got better from there.