Are you scared?

8. Guilt

The stillness of everything after panic attacks was the worse. Everything that spilt out of me felt fake, undeserving of such a strong reaction. Fuck. It felt like I faked it to run from being an adult and facing Francesco.
Francesco.
The name is sour on my tongue.

What was I supposed to do? The kiss was one thing, and I still believed it was a mistake, but the look in Fracesco's eyes? I felt bad, no, I felt terrible. He looked hurt, and I can't begin to imagine how he must've hurt on the ride to Radiator springs.

As I lay down, feeling every rock dig into my back, I could only regret it. "I am so stupid," a murmur left my lips while I watched the sun get high.
Noon.
I should've laid in some shadow, but the hot burning feeling on my skin grounded me in the way I needed.

Touching my dry lips, I tried to understand the buzzing left by that kiss. I didn't want it to disappear, strangely enough. It felt nice, but the guilt and the thought that Francesco was the one who made me feel this way? I couldn't enjoy something like this, or could I? I mean- All the attention that Francesco would give me? I saw him being attentive to his car; would he be like that to me too? Attentive and possessive? Do I want somebody to be possessive of me?

My ears heated up as I thought of Francesco growling at people who would touch me without his consent. I covered my face in an attempt to hide from my mind. "First, you tell him it's a mistake, and then you think of this? You disgust me." In the end, the small hate I aimed at myself did nothing but deepen my guilt for acting like a child.

I sat up, looking in the distance with a clear goal to resolve this like an adult. If doc saw me like this, I would get an earful of how childish I was. Fine, let's move. The safest way to get home is to follow the road, but~

I went to the gas station with a clear intent to find something dangerous, but mainly fast. I rummaged through the mess left behind by some long-dead people though I found nothing.

Okay! Plan B!

Walking down the road, I realized how far I was. Next time I won't decide to drive so far away to talk about serious stuff. Maybe I could do it at Flo's or something. Yeah, next time at Flo's or my house.

It wasn't until I heard the well-known sound of a truck that I looked from my feet. MATER! I ran until I saw who was with Mater and I stopped in my track.

Francesco had his "for cameras" smile while talking to Mater, who bought the whole act. Fuck me. I wanted to face him, but not this soon. Francesco must've figured that without a car, I wouldn't be able to find my way back and that Mater won't find me without him.

He wasn't wrong.

As he pulled down his window, Mater had the biggest smile. "McQueen! Francesco told me you wanted to let him ride your car! Why didn't you prepare a backup?" Mater was all smiles and giggles, and I was glad Francesco didn't tell him anything. "I guess I didn't think about it that much?" I laughed it off with my hand on the back of my neck. Showing nervousness and remorse will help Francesco and me maintain this little lie. "Lightning always thinks about something else, doesn't he?" Francesco flashed me a smile with empty eyes. It was unsettling to see those usually bright eyes so- so dead. "Definitely! I thought about beating you and redeeming my three wishes." Crossing my arms, I grinned at him with mischief written on my face.

In a fake annoyed gesture, Francesco opened the doors for me. Like the drama queen, I usually am, I sat next to him to add to this charade. It felt awkward to be next to him like this, feeling his body pressed against mine. Even Francesco felt tense while we sat next to each other like this. I was glad I wasn't the only one nervous and uncomfortable.

"So you two, why do you look like you both swallowed a ruler? I ain't no psychologist or anythin', but I know an awkward silence." I hoped Mater's powers to be observant wouldn't work today. I guess I was wrong. "Francesco is used to having a lot of space, and he smells that awful cologne of Lightning. Francesco must say he hates being this close to anybody." Having not worn cologne today, I inspected my shirt for traces of it. After laying in the hot sun for so long, I could only smell sweat and dust.
"Well, I don't like the heat from his body. He's like a furnace!"
"But aren't ya' usually cold all the time?" Mater argued. He was right, but damn, it didn't help my case right now. "I was walking in the noon sun. Do you think I am cold now?" I barked a little too defensively. I noticed the shift in Mater's face as he grinned. "aren't you and Francesco in love or somethin'? Ya'll are like a married couple!" I looked at Francesco, who was already looking at me. That look was animalistic and raw, and I shivered slightly under its strength. Unfortunately, it shifted into that dead look again. I bit my lip and looked at my lap as if I'd done something wrong.

The ride was silent after that, except for Mater's stories. I felt Francesco's fingers sometimes brush my thigh, but I could be mistaken. I hope I was, or maybe I was convinced I hoped for it. "So, we're here! Get home safe!" I crawled out of the car, still with my head slightly tilted down, as I murmured a goodbye. I should have something to eat.