3 A.M. thoughts

I can't do this anymore

I can't handle being limited anymore. Things are reopening, but I can't drive anywhere due to my absence seizures. What are absence seizures you ask? They are little moments where I forget what I'm saying. Now all people have moments like these, so why do mine prohibit me from driving? I don't know. All I know is I feel so cut off from everyone and everything. I have a friend who has been taking me out to do things on occasion, but he likes a girl now and everyone always thinks that we're dating and I don't want to lose the only connection I have left to the outside world, so I'm trying to put some space between us that way she doesn't think we like each other. The downside is I'm losing my friend and way out because of this. I'm so lost and confused, but worst of all I have no one I can talk to because I'm an outsider in my own family.

My sisters are always talking to each other and laughing at inside joke that they have and sometimes I am able to join in on the shenanigans, but more often than not I'm left watching them have fun from the sidelines. I am a sarcastic person and I really enjoy joking around, but recently anytime I try to make a joke or just be myself I'm shot down by my sister. It's like she hates me at times. I was trying to mess around with my dad tonight when he was playing tennis and hitting balls over the fence, telling him to keep them on his side of the gate. This was a joke, but my sister just looked at me and said that I had no right to say anything about losing a ball over the fence because we do that all the time. That I can't tease him because I do the same thing. Needless to say I was hurt and upset.

I don't want to be here anymore. I can't wait to get away from everyone here and go to college. I just want to be me, the girl who loves Criminal minds and making stupid jokes, but I can't anymore. Not here with my family looking at me like I have a disease and looking down on the things I hold closest to me. If I could leave right now and never look back I would in a heartbeat. I know it sounds bad, but I wouldn't hesitate to leave everything in the dust. Not like my family would miss me anyway.

A/N I know no one reads this but it's a good place to leave how I'm feeling and share things no one wants to hear. It also helps me find a way to say what I'm thinking that everyone I know would just look down upon and tell me I'm being dramatic. People don't really understand me. But I want this to be a safe space, not just for me, for everyone. If anyone ever reads this and wants to comment something they need to get off their chest feel free. We should all be able to be who we are without being judged. Hugs and Kisses to all!