Let Me Help Myself

So I'm mute.

This might contain thoughts of suicide and self harm.

I was just in a fight with my mother, I can tell that she wants to throw me out but isnt going to, maybe because of her Reputation. I don't want to get into details but I shed only a tear in her presence, not wanting to give away the fact that I'm still so sensitive. Still, she mocked me for it. I don't like her. I don't like my family except my sister. I'm sure they all hate me. I've told my mom that i have been having some dark thoughts and a phobia but she says I'm just assuming, claiming that its dumb for me to assume all that for my age. My sister, being the more open minded of the family, realising all of he dark humour I've been putting out tries to confront me, saying that I can just talk to her but she's really busy and I dont want to bother her. I'd talk to my online friends but i dont have any, my rudeness pushed them away. I took a bath trying to shut myself up from all of he crying I did, I dont want to cry ever again. To try to comfort myself I always think of my drawings being by my side and comforting me but thats dumb, they all went through worse than me and I can imagine that they wouldn't be so kind to their creator.

When I finish my bath I sit down, towel still wrapped around me, continuing to cry. I don't want to cry. I just want to die. I want to cut myself so badly but they'll see. My sister got mad cause i dont like to be so open about my problems. I dont want to bother them, not to mention in my own mothers words "I'm just assuming" and my sisters, "it's a learning process." My sister is really smart so she knows that I really need help. And I really want it but my parents wont believe me. I wore my clothes and look at my body, its not a pretty one to be sure. I'm really insecure about my body but it's useless. I dont have good looks like my sister, all my sibling look attractive except for me. What makes me so different? I really feel like punching all the mirrors in my room, I don't want to be reminded of my terrible looks.

I just went down to get my sketchbook and my pencil was in the couch crevice. Turns out a pin was there and it went through my skin, maybe 3mm of he needle went in but I didn't care. I plan in doing some vent art. Maybe that'll calm me down. I'd poison myself with some expired medication or cream but then my family would hate me even more for wasting time and money. My father just offered me dinner but I refuse, I don't need to get more fat than I am already. My mom says she doesnt want to talk to me ever again and I said not to expect me to talk to her again as well. I guess I'm mute now.