My One Reason To Live

two

Mrs Brooke chooses Alice-one of the cheerleaders- and she squeals in excitment which makes me look up. I shoot a glare at her to move my glare to the cause of her excitement, Luca , only to find him looking at me.

I quickly remove my stare and continue drawing. I decide to ignore everyone the rest of the day as usual, it's for the best.

The day moves slowly as I feel each lesson drag. It's not like I pay any attention anyways but I hate it when I can't cry, sometimes I have these bursts of me wanting to cry because all the reasons why my life is shit crashes into my head.

Finally it's lunch and I can just sob quietly in the toilet stall. As soon as the bell rings people rush out to socialize, where as I just put in my earphones and walk to the bathroom, not having an appetite to eat anything. As I walk to the bathroom I feel a few tears slip away but I wipe them quickly, then suddenly out of know where I bump into something.

I look up to find Luca staring at me.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" I look around and see he was already Mr. Popular walking around with the whole football team. People begin to turn and stare at me and I begin to feel pressure building in my chest.
"Hey! I asked a question!" Luca says not in a shouting manner but harsh, very harsh tone and lightly shoves me away from him, pushing me even more in the center of the crowd. Making me the center of attention.

The pressure in my chest builds even faster and my chest begins to tighten, making it hard for me to breathe, so I take small fast breathes. I'm a master at making everything look fine so I look like I'm breathing normally. My head feels like it's about to explode as I start shaking lightly. " Watch where you're going next time" Luca says after a while of hearing whispers and laughter being past around the hall. After he left I'm still standing there trying to calm down but I feel as if everyone is talking about me and laughing at me. Suddenly I snap out of it and jolt to the bathroom and step into my usual stall.

I begin to cry. My shaking hands wipe my tears away and my throbbing head hides in-between my knees as I sit in the toilet.

I hear a beep come from my phone and it's a message from Emma.

Emma- what happened?? I heard Luca talked to you, but not in a good way. Where are you??

I just switched my phone off and continued to cry until lunch was over. The rest of the day was actually pretty quick since I kept to myself in a little bubble of depression. When the bell rang for us to go home or after school activities I packed up some books and headed home. I really have no desire to socialize when anyone, think it might be the Social anxiety I pull around everyday.

I put in my earphones and walk home. I listen to slow and heavy beats as I walk home, hoping to not bump into anyone. I must've spoke too soon.

As I walk down the road I hear honking from behind me. I decide against the idea of turning around and looking at who it might be. The honking gets louder and louder indicating that the car is getting closer and closer. Finally the honking stops and I'm grateful it wasn't for me, so I keep my pace.

I eventually get home and can finally relax because I'm alone and my dad only comes home at around 9pm, drunk as usual. I go and run a bath, I run the water hot so it burns my skin. I like the feeling of the burn because I made it that way, I got the chance to control it no one else but me. I get into the bath and it burns, just as I wanted it to. As I sit in the bath I begin to cry again but not because of what happened today with Luca but because of my mom. I miss her so much, I miss how she used to sing to me, I miss how we used to draw and paint together, and I miss how she always believed in me. She always believed in me no matter what I did, whether I wanted to be a rockstar or a marine biologist, she always encouraged me to do it, to try. Nowadays I do everything except try. It should've been me and not her.

I move my arm to scratch an itch on my nose when I notice the water is Luke warm so I decide to finish washing up and go start dinner. The dinner is more for my dad than me anyways, I don't want to ever forget making dinner for my dad again. Last time I did he beat me so bad that I got a black eye, 1 broken rib and dozens of bruises. I had to tell the doctor I fell down a flight of stairs. I quickly made mashed potatoes and gravy with chicken and veg. I always doubt what I can do so I follow exactly what the lady in the tutorial does. When I'm done I get some chicken and veg and eat while I do some homework. When I'm done I go to sleep, which actually takes a while considering I contemplate whether to run away or not and think of everything that deepens my depression as I cry untill I finally fall to sleep.

*****

I hear the front door open at around 11pm -which is obviously later than usual- and it wakes me up so I stare at the ceiling and deepen the hate that I have for myself. I hear my father rummage around in the kitchen for quite a while so I decide to help him get dinner. I rush downstairs and into the kitchen to find my father's belly hanging out of his shirt and a beer in his hand.

"Are you looking for dinner sir?" I say softly so I don't startle him.
" Yesss, where the fffuck is it bitchh?!" He slurs his words as he shouts at me. I quickly move to get it out of the fridge and into the microwave to warn it up.

As I stand facing the microwave, waiting to take the warm food out I hear my father moving closer.

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I realised I made the other chapter short so I made up for it.

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