Chapter 1:
“Goodbye Harry…” I whispered in to my phone, voice trembling harder than it has ever before. I was trying to hold it together, for the sake of my boyfriend, because I knew how much it hurt him to hear me cry. But I just couldn’t do it. With a deep breath, I shut my eyes and continued on leaving him the voicemail. “I really really love you, and this has nothing to do with you. I just can’t handle it. You know how bad I’ve been wanting to do this lately.” I took a pause so I could catch my breath again. Was this the right choice? Eyeing the pills laying next to me, I knew it was. I needed this pain to stop. “I wish you the best of luck in life, even though I know you’ll do fine. Please don’t keep thinking about me. By the time you hear this, I’ll already be gone. Just keep doing what you love… keep making music… keep singing… please Harry really don’t change your life because of this…I…um..” I trailed off as the tears started streaming down faster. At this point, I couldn’t even see the closet door handle in front of me and I knew it was time to do it. As the voice mail cut off and sent almost like it was cuing me for what was about to happen next, I took one last look at the picture of Harry and I on my phone. It was a picture of us on our very first date. I was wearing a red polka dotted dress with high black heels, all dressed up like I was going to the most expensive restaurant in the world. Harry on the other hand, being the goof he was, was wearing a casual polo t-shirt and kakhi shorts. We were hugging right in front of the park bench that we had been sitting on the whole time. I stared at the picture as long as I could, our happy smiles, lit up eyes, hair all messed up from the autumn wind. The screen went dim and I set my phone down, now noticing how caked in tears it was.
With a long, heavy sigh to myself I took one last look around the small closet I had locked myself in to. Was this really the right choice? Am I sure about this? The questions were buzzing through my mind, one on top of each other. My head was pounding from crying so hard, and my heart literally was aching. I couldn’t deal with this pain any longer. I knew that if I didn’t do it today, I would someday in the future. Why not get it over with now?
Using the very last bit of energy I had left in myself, I opened the jar of pills. I slowly pored the bottle out in to my hand, watching with deep interest how the pills overlapped each other, all falling to the middle of my palm. It was like they were all fighting to get there, get to the one spot, only because everybody else was doing it. They didn’t know where they were going, and why they were going there, but everybody else was going. So it must be good right?
Uncapping my water bottle, I put the first pill in my mouth. Then another, another, and another. I swallowed until I started to see the world spin. My vision started to go, and as I passed out to the carpet I finally had the feeling I have been longing to have, for so many years. A feeling of peace. Nothing to worry about, all the pain is over. Forever.
