Chapter 4:
Today has been a pretty eventful day. I'm still in shock about basically everything, and I don't quite know what to think about. I'm not sure if I ever will truely be able to sort out all my thoughts about this day, but I do know one thing for sure..
You see, apparently my parents had died in an accident just a couple months ago. I guess that's why I tried killing myself, well according to Harry. So I had been living on my own in an apartment, occasionally spending the night at Harry's place. Which means the only person I have right now is Harry. And he scares me to death.
I don't want to spend any more time at this hospital, it makes me feel so much worse than I already do. I just sit there and stare off in to space for hours, every so often getting a visit from another doctor. I had probably seen about twenty- therapists, psychologists, nurses, the doctors that saved my life when I had passed out, and others. Let's just put it this way, I am exhausted and want out of here.
But of course they won't let me live alone, you have to be insane to think they'd let me do that. And my parents are dead, so the only person left is Harry. The doctors trust him, they say that they could tell that he loved me. Loved me. The old Casidy, will he love the new one? In a way, I'm starting from scratch. I'll never know if I will grow to be the same person, or if I'll be totally different, and I'm sure nobody would have the heart to tell me. Also, I found out the paperwork the doctors had in their hand was a questionare about me, in which Harry filled out since I couldn't. How much did I tell this guy?
Which also scares me. How much does Harry know about me? Well, the old me, but you get my point. If I do go live with him, will he just expect things to be back to normal? What happens if he gets all worked up again, just like he did when he found it I lost my memory? So many bad things could happen, which is what I was focusing on. They told me to try and focus on the good, but when your day has been filled with everything bad, do they really expect me to pretend like it will be all right?
* * *
"Yeah, sounds good. Bye," I said, forcing my mouth in to a smile, as the doctor walked out of the room. As soon as that door shut my grin immiediantly dropped. Guess who has to spend the night in the hospital? You guessed it, I do. I knew I wasn't going to sleep anyways, but spending the night in the hospital?
Sitting in that room makes me feel like I won't get better. It's weird, but it just keeps pushing the thoughts back in to my head about what will become of my life. I started taking my therapists advice and tried to focus on better things, like creating senarios in my head of positive things that could happen in my life. It's not only hard to think of those, but when enclosed in a hospital room it's even harder, because the only reason I'm here is because I messed things up. It was ME. And those thoughts are what triggered the "wow, I'm such a failure, somebody please just kill me," type of thoughts.
I was still lost in that emotional train of thought when the door opened. I rolled my eyes, expecting it to be another doctor coming to talk to me about the thing I wanted to talk about least. Instead, it was Harry. We exchanged an awkward glance at each other, but I quickly looked away. What was he doing here? Shouldn't he be at home getting ready to go to bed?
"Um, hey Casidy.." he whispered. Whispered. Shocking for him, since earlier I could hear him loud and clear across the hall.
"Hi Harry." It took all my effort to say those two words. I wanted to roll over and cry, cry until the pain left, cry until my thoughts stopped.
"Listen, I'm sorry about earlier..."
I cut him off mid sentence. "Harry, why should you be sorry? From what I know, I ruined our happy relationship. It was me that did all the damage, so why should you be the one apologizing? If anything, you should be out there finding some other girl to live with and love and marry and..." I couldn't hold back the tears. All the pain and stress from today was just pooring out of me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
"Casidy, relax babe, I'm going to make everything okay again..."
"No. No Harry. Nothing will be okay again." I was done speaking with him. I rold on my side so I was facing away from him and cried in to the blanket sheets of the hospital bed.
We sat there in silence for a while. Although I didn't speak to him, I was aware of the presence of Harry. I knew he was sitting there, and probably still staring at me. I started to feel guilt coming upon me. He had given me another chance, and I blew it. "Harry?" I mumbled out in to the darkness.
"Yeah?"
"Are we still considered boyfriend and girlfriend? Because, I mean, you know, we never officially broke up...."
He paused for a moment. There had been plenty of questions bothering me all day, but this one specifically stood out in my mind. "I was kinda thinking about that too... it's up to you."
My heart sunk. I was really just looking for a yes or no answer, not for another question torwards me. Another opportunity for me to mess things up. Another chance to sink me lower than I already am. But before I acted, this time I did something different. I thought about it. Do I want to continue to date Harry? If I say no, I'm sure it'll make him sad, atleast for the moment. But he'll move on. If I say yes, I'm still dating this random stranger, and it gives him reasons to be able to come near me which makes me feel completley uncomfortable. I can't afford to lose the only person I have left though, even if it is Harry. "Do you just want to continue to be together?"
"REALLY?!" He had raised his voice which I totally did not expect, making me jump. I rolled over to see him standing on his feet with a huge grin on his face, eyes open wide, and hands in the air.
For the first time, in all my "new" life, I laughed. It felt amazing. "Yes, really!" I don't know why but I felt like I was on top of the world! I guess just the combination of actually making somebody happy, and being all woozy from the exhaustion getting to me, I just felt extraordinary! He leaped over and embraced me in a hug, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight. Maybe I'll get to liking this guy. I don't know.
We stayed like that for a long time, a real long time. I never wanted to let go, and I'm pretty sure he didn't either, or we would've by now. After a good few minutes, we pulled apart from each other. My eyelids started to feel too heavy for me to support, and I quickly fell in to a deep sleep. The last thing I can remember is Harry humming as he tucked me in to the bed.
