Kept

The Athiest's Apology

I sat on my couch and twiddled with the business card in my hands absentmindedly.

The edges were hopelessly curled and dog eared by now. The blue border had faded in those abused corners.

It had been a week. I was contemplating going back, and that thought made me a little angry. His words to me wrapped around my skull and refused to let go.

An atheist doesn't walk to the gates of heaven, knock, and ask for God. And why would they?

I didn't think he had meant to compare himself to God, he didn't seem that narcississtic. And I guess he had a point.

Maybe what really made me angry was the fact that he was right. If anything, I was intrigued by what he'd said. And Hally had made me promise to at least try. Try to get better.

Hally was like a baby sister to me, even though she was older than I was. I'd known her since we were both 14 years old. 10 years had passed, and our bond had only grown stronger.

Russ was my baby brother. He was quiet, shy, with a pair of sweet, shaky grey eyes and a habit of running his hands through his hair.

He had this half smile that melted your heart, but I'd rarely seen him really smile since Mom and Dad split up when we were teenagers.

I had to do this. For them, and for myself. I needed to be okay again. So I made up my mind.

•

When the receptionist saw me, she looked surprised. Well, I guess she would be. She was surprised when I called, I heard it in her voice.

Maybe she'd thought I wouldn't go through with it. But here I was, so sure. No going back.

"Back for more, huh?"
I smiled at her.

"You planning on leaving early again, Ms. Brew?"

I chuckled lightly, and replied truthfully, "Can't. Made a promise to a friend."

"Right. Well, he should be done any minute now. Please, take a seat." I picked a nice spot by a window and sat down amongst the empty room.

Hmm... There was a waiting list this time. There was no one else in the waiting area, though.

It was one person left, then. I wondered again why he had so little clients. I would ask, but it seemed impolite.

Just a few moments later, a middle aged woman came down from the stairs with a look of content on her face, as if she'd come to terms with something.

Her thin lips were turned into a small but pleased smile. Wow. She looked so... happy. Not that fake happiness, that tight smile and constricted laugh you push out to appease the people. Genuine happiness.

"See you next week, Mrs. Adams!" said the receptionist kindly.
"Yes, thank you, Rachel," she replied in a noticeabley foreign accent, walking out the door with her grey winter coat shielding her from the nippy breeze outside.

"He should be ready for you now, Ms. Brew." My hand swept along the railing of the staircase as I walked, bringing me a kind of reassurance.

When I got to the door, I turned the knob with a strange anticipation I hadn't felt in a while.

He was there when I opened the door. Smiling, playing with one of the many small trinkets he had on his desk. He turned his head and his eyes lit up when he saw me.

But at the same time, a sad smirk flashed across his face for a brief moment. The feeling of embarassment and regret in the air was like a fog. "Hello again," I said in a quiet mutter, more to myself than him.

"I think apologies are in order," he said in that cool, polite tone that didn't really match his young appearance. "I'm sorry I prodded you like that," he said.

I didn't expect this. I'd thought he meant me. "No, no, please. I shouldn't have left like that, it was rude and immature. Besides, I guess you had a point."

A few seconds of processing passed, until he asked me to sit down. I took my place in one of the rocking chairs, and decided in my mind that this time, I would listen, and I wouldn't be so stubborn with him.

"I really, truly am sorry for what happened to you, Am-..Mandy. I really want to help you move past it, gain back the pieces of yourself."

I nodded in appreciation. "Thank you."

"I want us to get to know each other before we begin the process. I need you to trust me."

This spurred my suspicion, but I figured it couldn't hurt, and invented a little mantra that I would repeat to set me at ease. Don't be afraid.
"Right. Okay."

"Alright then. If its alright, we'll start with your childhood. And we'll take a break, and you can ask me anything you like."

I could feel things changing. Maybe it was the sun in the room, the sweet smell of vanilla incense burning somewhere, wafting all around.

But I felt at home in Thomas's spacious office. I envisioned the woman I'd seen before. Maybe she'd once been like me.

Maybe she'd lost some vital piece in her puzzle, or maybe her cat had simply died. But I thought in that moment,

Maybe, just maybe, I'll have that look on my face again one day.