Broken Honor

Chapter 12

A long moment of silence followed. The two apprentices stared directly at eachother, both stunned. For a few seconds, all that could be heard was the wind.

"Bird...paw?" the word came out of Rushpaw's mouth in a shallow whisper. "What's going on...?" Rushpaw was expecting to see fury and betrayal in Birdpaw's eyes. But to her relief, his gaze softened with kindness. 

"I'm so glad you're okay!" Birdpaw blurted. "We were so worried about you!"

Rushpaw blinked. "We?" she repeated, tilting her head in confusion. "Who's we?" Instantly she scanned the bushes behind Birdpaw, hoping to see Cliffpaw nearby.

"I came alone," Birdpaw told her. Rushpaw's heart sank a little. "But, yes, I did mean we. Most of the Clan wasn't too concerned. They all just assumed you had decided to leave along with the rest of the runaway cats. Viperstar didn't even try to organize a search party. But...but Rubblepaw a-and Cliffpaw and I were really scared! We didn't know for sure why you disappeared, so why wouldn't we be?"

"Rubblepaw was scared, too?" Rushpaw mewed.

Birdpaw narrowed his eyes. "Of course she was," he said, puzzled. "We're your friends, aren't we?"

"Oh! Y-yeah, of course!" Rushpaw insisted. Where did all this 'friend' stuff come from? Rubblepaw and Birdpaw were total bullies up until two weeks ago, when Viperstar became leader and IvyClan broke up. So why did they suddenly start being nice?  She wondered.

"Hey, hey...Rushpaw? Why did you leave IvyClan?" Birdpaw's voice interrupted her thoughts.

Rushpaw swallowed nervously. "I...because....I left because Dapplewing left. She's my mother, after all! I didn't want to be away from her...You understand that, Birdpaw, don't you?" As much as Rushpaw tried to convince herself she was telling the truth, she knew, deep down, that Dapplewing was far from the only reason she had decided to leave IvyClan. 

Birdpaw stared at her. His gaze then shifted down to the ground. For a moment, Rushpaw thought she could see a flicker of pain in his eyes. "All because...of your mother? That's it? You decided to betray IvyClan because that's what your mother did?" he hissed.

Rushpaw took a step back anxiously. For a little while she had imagined that Birdpaw was a nicer cat that she had previously thought. But that vision had shattered now. I was right about him. He's just a bitter tom with bees in his brain!

It wouldn't hurt to be a little more thoughtful. Do you remember what Sunbright and Dapplewing were discussing the night you decided to join the runaways? 

You again! Leave me alone! Rushpaw snapped back at the voice. I don't need your help. Stop whispering things into my ear that don't make sense! 

I'm only asking you to be more considerate, the voice growled. Well? Do you remember? Dapplewing was asking Sunbright about how she must want to get her kits away from IvyClan. But Sunbright said that it was too late. She said that her kits supported Viperstar and that was that. You asked who Sunbright's kits were, and Dapplewing told you that they were Birdpaw and Rubblepaw.

And?  Rushpaw asked silently, irritated. What does Sunbright being Birdpaw's mother have to do with this?

Don't you recall being confused about that? You thought that it was strange for Sunbright to have kits. And, up until that point, you hadn't even noticed Sunbright was Birdpaw and Rushpaw's mother. Do you realize why it is you never noticed that? It was because Sunbright was so distant from her kits it was difficult for you to realize they were even hers. Maybe if you put yourself in Birdpaw's paws, you might understand why your reasons seem stupid to him. He's always had a close relationship with his sister, but never his mother. He doesn't understand what having a mother figure is like. So naturally he would be angry with you for betraying IvyClan because you wanted to be with your mother.

Rushpaw felt her fur begin to bristle. She had been pushed to her edge, but she was determined to hide that fact. She couldn't let any cat know she was hearing a voice. Nobody would ever take her seriously again after that. So that's it, huh? You're telling me to be more considerate and try to understand why Birdpaw is angry? Rushpaw snarled at the voice. Well maybe he should be more considerate of my feelings! Just because he wasn't close with his mother doesn't give him the right to judge me for my decisions!

The voice let out a sigh. You don't get it, do you? Birdpaw is allowed to act this way because HE's the one with a tragic backstory and mommy issues!

Rushpaw almost growled audibly, but she stopped herself at the last second. While she had been looking away, Birdpaw had been glaring at her for quite some time, waiting for her response.

Rushpaw hung her head. "I'm sorry. Truth is, I didn't leave IvyClan just because of Dapplewing. I couldn't handle the tension back in IvyClan. It was too much." 

Birdpaw continued to stare at her coldly. Rushpaw drew in a deep breath. She knew that what she was about to say next wouldn't sit well with Birdpaw. But there was no avoiding it.  "And...I don't think Viperstar is a good leader," she confessed. "I never liked her. She was always snobby and desperate to prove how great she was. As soon as Ebonystar and Palecloud disappeared, Viperfang was instantly trying to take control of the Clan. She was power-hungry! And then...and then she lied to us. You remember, don't you? After we found Palecloud's body, we went to MossClan to ask them if they knew anything that could be useful to us. Viperfang promised she wouldn't start any fights. And then she did. If Iceshard hadn't stopped the battle by force, we could've started a full-out war with MossClan!"

There. I said it. Rushpaw looked desperately into Birdpaw's eyes, hoping to find some understanding in them. But of course, she saw nothing but anger.

"Y-you've got it all wrong!" Birdpaw protested. "Viperstar was only trying to help us! She only tried to attack MossClan because she really thought they had killed Palecloud and Ebonystar! That's what she said when she apologized!" he spat.

Rushpaw felt sick. Without realizing, she had dug her claws into the earth. No, no, no, this all going wrong! I didn't want this to happen! I might not like Birdpaw very much, but fighting with him isn't worth losing my last connection to IvyClan!

The sandy yellow tom spoke again, before Rushpaw could say a word. "Look, Rushpaw!" he shouted. "I don't want to fight with you! Honestly, all I want is for everything to be normal again!" 

Understanding stirred within the young she-cat. She felt reassured. We're on the same side, she told herself. We can't let our differing opinions get in the way of that.

"I-I just wish Ebonystar and Palecloud were still around!" Birdpaw continued. "Everything was fine when they were in control! I don't want any of this. I want the runaways to come back and rejoin us. But that just can't happen. And if Viperstar is IvyClan's only option for a leader, then so be it. She...she's not that bad. If everybody could just have faith in her, then..." the apprentice trailed off. He looked down at his paws, not saying anything. It was almost as if he didn't even believe his own words.

Rushpaw drew in another deep breath. "I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what my goal is. But I do agree with you. I want IvyClan to be whole again. It's just that...I don't think that's possible. I really don't. But...I don't want to forget about IvyClan! I don't want to forget about Cliffpaw, or about you...or about Rubblepaw. For now, at least, I think we should keep meeting up. I want to know what's happening with IvyClan, and I'm sure you want to know what's happening with the runaway cats. But...nobody else is going approve of us doing this. So I think it needs to be a secret."

Birdpaw's gaze drifted back to her. He stayed quiet, but nodded in agreement. And for the first time, Rushpaw saw him smile a little.

"Soo..." Rushpaw began awkwardly. "How's IvyClan?"

And so, that was the night the two apprentices began sharing news. Every night after that, they met in the same spot. Even though Rushpaw had never been fond of Birdpaw, she found a sense of comfort in their nighttime meetings. She still didn't have a clue what was going to happen next. But at the very least, she wasn't completely disconnected from IvyClan. 

I can't see the future, Rushpaw thought. Not even a little bit. But now...I think everything's going to turn out okay.