The Day My Life Ended (Editing)

Chapter Thirty-Six (Revised)

I'm still on the couch. People were talking around me. Something woke me up, but it woke me up gently. Somebody held my hand. I squinted my eyes open, seeing someone hold my hand.

Lilac. She pressed herself against the couch. Her tiny hand wrapped around mine. I squeezed back. She perked her head up. The girls hadn't noticed. They were all invested in their dinners.

I glanced at them, then my kid. My perfect, awesome fucking kid. This sweet little kid with dark blue hair and eyes, purple clothes rumbled from the day. I doubt Darcy encouraged clean clothes. Her fingers were dirty, not just from dirt, but from marker ink. She was just a kid. A kid that wanted her mom to help her. Somebody had asked for my help. All I did was abandon her.

It's not fair. I can't do both. My obligations as a mom tell me I need to help her adapt to the world, to suppress all the best parts of her for the normal world. It's telling her that only certain parts will be accepted in certain places, and she cannot be 100 herself anywhere except at home. It's not fair. Why is it never fair?

'If you don't make it right, and you hurt this fucking kid, I'll make you fucking wish you were dead.' Darcy warned.

My sister is scary sometimes. Just sometimes. Definitely not all the time. I can take that bitch in a fight. Mostly. Maybe. It's split 50/50.

"Hi." I mumbled.

Lilac blinked, momentarily surprised. "Hi."

"You eat?" I whispered.

Lilac nodded. "Two bananas. And some leftover food in the fridge."

But I ordered more food for- okay. Okay. I get it. Sometimes, I'm so sad I can't eat either.

"I ever tell you how your aunt got her cutiemark?" I asked Lilac, lowering my voice to a whisper.

Lilac squeezed my hand. She struggled for a moment, getting our fingers to link correctly. I adjusted it for us. Lilac shook her head. "Auntie Killjoy told me."

My mind paused.

A certain voice was notably silent.

You said what

'She thought it was a fairytale! It's fine.'

She better, or it's your ass.

'I don't have an ass right now. Just your fucking thing.'

My ass is- ugh, not the point.

"Okay." I mused. "Okay. Did- did she tell you about when I found out she got her cutie mark?"

Lilac frowned. She shook her head.

"So. Well. I was very, very upset with her." I continued to whisper. "She did something very bad. At first, I thought she planned to hurt me too."

Lilac squeezed my hand. Her blue eyes shrunk- classic cartoon show of fear. To see in real life is actually endearing. "Did she?"

I shook my head. "No. She didn't. Your aunt was very particular about the people she hurt. See, she did something bad to people, but those people weren't very nice to begin with. They were bad guys. They were gonna hurt somebody really, really small just because she was different from them."

Lilac considered it. She's only seven, so she couldn't get super far. "She was?"

"She was." I moved closer. Fluttershy glanced around, seeing us on the couch. The angle of the couch kept her from seeing me so she couldn't see my open eyes. Even if she did, hopefully she'd be chill and let me have this. "Your aunt always hurt people that really deserved it. And wanna know what she's been doing in my head?"

"I don't know." Lilac shrugged her shoulders. "I thought it was puzzles."

Darcy nearly died in my head. She choked on something, which I didn't think was possible for a soul in the brain.

"Good guess, good guess. No. She's been telling me I was wrong for what I did to you."

Lilac leaned in. Her second hand grabbed mine. "Is she gonna hurt you?"

I don't know. Not at this time, anyway. She could kill me the moment she's out of my brain. She could kill me while still in my brain. Darcy is very creative when she kills somebody, even more creative when she wants it to hurt. "I don't know. To be honest, I'm a little scared to ask."

Lilac gawked. "You...? Scared? Mommy you don't get scared of anything!"

"Yes I do. I get scared all the time." I admitted. Lilac continued to gawk. "When I found out you were missing, that he had you, I'd never been more scared in my life."

"...so was I." Lilac rubbed her fingers on my knuckles, adjusting her grip.

That tore me apart. Even if I knew she'd say it, even if I knew that was a traumatic experience for any child let alone a 7-year-old, it still tore me up to hear. It proved how much I failed her, failed to protect her. My kid was dragged into this because I attracted a maniac's attention to our family.

It could mean good things if she feels comfortable talking about it. Talking about her scariest memory won't be a taboo to avoid at home. She can always talk about it with me. That's more important, I think. I always want her to feel like she can tell me about the bad things.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Lilac nodded.

I nodded back. "Can we be scared together? It makes things less scary."

Lilac took a moment. "Is that what you and auntie did? You were scared together?"

"We fought bad guys together." I corrected her, unable to help it. Before she could pout I added "but being scared together was usually our first step."

That made her smile. She leaned forward, moving up. She pressed a soft kiss on the side of my head. I held so perfectly still.

"Get some sleep, Mom. I'll sing you a lullaby if you get a nightmare." Lilac promised. "Like you do for me."

Yeah. Yeah, that's gonna be how I die.

'We'll die together, fucking Author.'

"I love you. Auntie does too."

Lilac smiled. My heart burst to see those familiar sharp dragon fangs. "I love you too, Mommy, and I miss you, Auntie. Goodnight."

I closed my eyes. Lilac's humming lulled me back to sleep.