Death Diaries || A Dork Diaries Fanfiction ☑️

Entry 18

Disclaimer: The Dork Diaries series is owned solely by Rachel Renée Russell. This is only a fanfiction -a new take on the books, made for the purpose of entertainment and self-expression. I do not wish to offend anyone, including the author and readers of the book.

Cautionary: This story may be gruesome, appalling, or disturbing to some audiences. Please read at your own discretion.

Dreams (pt.1)

I looked up at him and he was looking at me, eyes glistening with intensity, "You're right, Nikki." He repeated.

For a moment, my world stopped. This is what I wanted, I want him to go chase his dreams. I want him to be happy.

I know Brandon was passionate about becoming a veterinarian and getting into AU was like taking him 10 steps closer.

I can be strong. I have to be strong.

He cups my face with both his hands, looks me straight in the eyes, and kisses away my tears. Only then that I realized that I had quietly broken into tears and had been sobbing the moment I told him to go.

I wasn't pushing him away, I didn't want him to leave. He is my husband and there's nothing more that I want than to be with him...

But I also want him to be happy. To be the happiest.

"You're right," he says the third time and my heart clenches hard enough that my breathing started to hitch. "The wait is over," his hands that held my wet cheeks moved to make me face his chestnut eyes and his genuine smile, "and my dreams are right in front of me." I stood there frozen, if possible, wailing even louder than before.

What did I do to deserve him?

"Nikki, if chasing after my dreams mean being away from you at times when you need me most, then those dreams aren't worth chasing." He pulls me to his chest and I soak his once pristine pajama shirt. "You are my dream, having this home with you was all I thought about the moment you said yes to me. I'm gonna stay here, I'm going to work hard, for you and the family we're going to build." And I couldn't do anything but nod with my tear-stained face and continued to sob in his arms.

After that night, we hadn't discussed about it again. Brandon was decided, he was staying.

I woke up one morning and he wasn't beside me, just like every other morning, he was up first and already making breakfast. It had only been a few days since then and I continue to feel guilty about it.

I didn't want to hinder his dreams, I didn't want to be his dead weight. I want to see him smiling on stage during graduation and be able to call him doctor, like he had always dreamed of. I felt guilty because I feel like I'm holding him back.

I feel guilty because I'm happy about it.

I'm guilty because I'm glad he's staying here, with me. God knows how much I don't want to be alone and even if I don't tell Brandon that, I know he knows. He knows that I'm volatile now, I'm a little ticking time bomb. My sanity was a twig, waiting to snap, easily snapped.

I know that I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I wished I'd be, I'm not who I want to be but at this point, there was nothing I could do.

I wasn't the same girl who wouldn't let MacKenzie trample on so effortlessly. I wasn't the same girl who stood up for myself and others. I wasn't as dauntless as the girl who did her best for what she believed in. I only look like her, but I wasn't her.

At least, not anymore.

Every time I look into the mirror, I only see someone broken. Someone tainted, plagued with bad thoughts. A pessimist with dark circles decorating her, yet again, swollen eyes. She was pale and weak, nothing like who she used to be. It was like she never existed, like all she ever was was a figment of her imagination.

I switch through channels on the flat-screen TV, trying to find something that'll get my mind off things. But when I was looking for a distraction, the last thing I wanted was to see news on the Hollister movement.

"We are live in front of the Westchester Courthouse today, where dozens of protesters are gathered for what they call the Hollister movement." The female reporte held her microphone closer to her mouth than usual, trying to make sure her voice is louder than the noise erupting in the background. "I'm here with a Jessica, a close friend of the victim." Jessica stood beside her, holding up a sign that read Justice for MacKenzie.

"MacKenzie was an absolute angel, she wouldn't even lift her hands on a fly. She was the victim and I can't accept the fact the criminal responsible for her death is still roaming the streets," she paused to wipe away a tear that exited her eye. "She didn't deserve to be hurt like that, she didn't deserve to have her life cut short. She had so many plans—" She dabbed an embroidered handkerchief to her cheeks before finally saying, "Turn yourself in, Nikki. Accept the punishment for what you have done, please."

Note: Cheesy, I know. But I think it's really sweet and I'm starting to fall in love with Brandon's character. I'm not saying you should put your relationship before your dreams, that's completely up to you. If the characters were in a different circumstance, Brandon moving away would have been no problem, but with the current situation: Nikki vividly battling her demons and the oppression she was going through because of the lack of truth-shedding, leaving Nikki to fend for herself will be a heartbreaking thing. I just think that the love between the two is beautiful; trying to be strong so that the other can be happy, equally trying to sacrifice something of theirs, is something you don't often see in every relationship. And also I just finished Promised Neverland, I have been crying 🤧 and am still very emotional about it.

Another Note: We have already surpassed the number of published chapters on this book so my updates will, most likely, notify you now. Yay! Now you get to know how lazy I can get, oof.