not happy.just smiling

acceptance

My names Kayla. Just to give you a gist on what I'm feeling... in my perspective there is so much air around me but I feel like I'm drowning. I'm gasping for air that's not there. I'm smiling but it doesn't mean I'm actually happy. Think about it... if someone is constantly sad and spaced are are you really gonna wonder what going on? But if you see someone having fun with there friends, and laughing you think oh yeah there happy. What you should really think about is well.. are they really happy?

They're these walls around me and happiness is on the other side but no matter how hard I try I can't get to the other side.
I keep feeling like the only way I can be happy is if I have a boyfriend but when I actually find one they're to kind and I domt feel like I deserve they're love.

I want to be a photographer when I'm older and I wanna go to meca college aka maine college of arts. And when I've taken pictures recently they have a vibe of sorrow and guilt. Anyways let's start from monday... 

Its my sisters birthday and I'm really excited because get to bring my best friend to the beach. My mom's car holds 5 people so my mom and my sisters friend are sitting in the front and my sister is sitting on the right side, I'm in the middle, and my best friend is on the left. It's like a sweaty pig like om the way there because were all a little above average weight other then my sisters friend. Anyways once we get to the beach we get out and find a place on the shore. Once we sit down I ask my friend...

"was the sweaty car ride worth it?"

"Yeah" she said

Eventually we get into the water and it's cold but its 92 degrees outside to it was good. The waves were so big and I dived into one of them. For a couple hours in was happy and I liked how it felt. After being in the water for 2 hours 30 minutes we got out because my best friend was on her period and had to change the tampon. Usually she uses pads but since we were swimming her mom made her wear a tampon and she grabbed a size to big for her. So I kinda felt bad. But anyways once we got back from the bathrooms I felt something on my butt so i grabbed it and it was seaweed in my bathing suit bottoms. We got amatos that day and olive garden... I got a normal Italian with no onions no green peppers and my friend got a chicken lettuce wrap. Then at olive garden we both got chicken scampi... on the ride home I kinda felt upset for two reasons...
1. Intense sunburn
And 2 I knew onceningot gome everything was going back to normal and I wouldn't be as happy anymore. The next day my mom told me that she has a hospital bill for over 4 thousand dollars cuz a few months ago she had a bladder infection. And not a lot happend today but now I'm here at 2 am on Sunday morning eating takis and about to go to bed. Until next time

-Kayla✌🏻