not happy.just smiling

just kill me already

I was ready to break past the wall... to take the breath of air I've been waiting for my whole life. Loose weight, grow out my hair, get a better mind set, be more confident, start being happy... I wanted this dreadful life to end but in the best way possible. I have 37 dollars and I was gonna buy healthy foods and work out. Become the person I want to be. Mabye even find someone that will like me. Not for my body parts though...for me. But then my sister came downstairs and she said she wanted to give me money so I could buy her stuff at the store. So everything was going well we were making a list of things she wanted me to get her, but them she said the worst sentence I've heard in weeks...

"Ya know you dont have to be an absolute bitch to everyone around you. Stop being mad at the world, stop being mad at mom."

So I'm totally and completely ready to rip her soul apart but I ask her, "what do you mean?"

In her response she says, " the other day you flipped put at mom because she falling asleep all the time".

Now just to recap you... my mom is a C.N.A (certified nurse assistant) at sandy river nursing home Farmington Maine and she works night shift.that causes her to get tired and sleepy during the day. You see I've been used to it my whole life but recently they have been low on staff and almost 3 years ago when I got my dad out of the house she had to start paying the Bill's on her own. And that meant she had to pick up more hours and work a lot more. Now I can barely have a hour with her before she falls asleep. We cant even get through a movie with out her falling asleep. So I've been upset and the other day I yelled at my mom and asked her to stop working so much and let's just say it ended up with her calling me a bitch and me saying i wanted to go live with my dad. We made up though and everything is okay. Back to where we were.

So I said " well I get upset when she works all the time"

"WELL WHO ELSE IS GONNA PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE?" She yells.

I found that very funny because the last i checked my mom hasn't gone grocery shopping for months and if anything she will get fast food. My dad goes grocery shopping more and he lives in a small camper with a outdoor kitchen. HE COOKS EVERYTHING ON A GRILL!

So in my response I say...   " THE LAST TIME I CHECKED EVERYTIME I GET MONEY IM THE ONE WHO BUYS FOOD AND THEN YOU COME DOWN WHEN IM SLEEPING AND EAT IT ALL" and it's TRUE everytime I get paid or when I have birthday money I domt buy things to myself because everyone will think I'm selfish so I dont even get to eat anything I buy for MYSELF!

" THEN WHY DOES MOM WORK SO OFTEN HUH? WHERE DO YOU THINK MONEY COMES FROM!"

Anyways we get yelling and fighting so I get pissed of and go to the bathroom only to find myself on the floor crying and kicking cabinets screaming "KILL ME ALREADY I DOMT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" My sister is always being rude to no matter what I do and now since I'm so worked up she changeds her tone to an extremely calm voice and we only do that to put dad to piss him off when he's being a jackass. Like for any example once he was screaming how we ruin the days and we change our tones and go...

"I'm sorry you feel that way because we were having a good time. Mabye we can go do something else."

That ALWAYS makes him soooooo mad. So my sister decided to do it to me and I get so upset because we only do that to out dad. Shes basically calling me my dad. Now lemme get this strait.

My dad physically and emotionally abused us for a little over 10 years. He was. Constantly being a jackass and blaming everything on us and I've gone to s hook so many times crying with my sister saying
" daddy hurt kayla daddy hurt kayla! " and the school never did anything about it.

So I promised myself that I would never be like him and if I did I would kill myself. My sister is always telling me to calm down and telling me that if I really wanted to loose weight I have to want it. Shes constantly, making me upset. SHE GAVE ME DEPRESSION! It was nothing else but her. So I want to die. I leave the bathroom and scream at her to go upstairs because I didn't want to see her. And when she didn't I went forward trying to scare her up and I ended up chasing her up the stairs and when we got to the top I said... " please push me I dont want to fucking live anymore!!!! I ran downstairs and started crying and then my sister said...

"killing yourself won't stop the pain it will pass it on."

Do you think I fucking care about that? I'm not going to kill myself. I just want to someone to do it for me. I'm only writing this because it's not like I'm gonna tell my beta friend. Her mom's a social worker. Do you know where I could end up if anyone heard what I've been thinking? I cant tell you it's not gonna be at my house. I know that none of this will seem that bad with my fights. But on the inside I know I'm like my dad but I can't change it. It's part of me. And I dont want to be like him look at my now. I already am. I've turned into him. I. W.a.n.t. t.o. d.i.e.