Forbidden Fruit

Thoughts and Voicemails

The second extra: Cody's First Fight is posted and the upcoming weeks polls are posted.

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Chloe's POV

     It's been two days since I walked away from my home with Alex that I was preparing for the kids and the only thing I can say is I feel empty. And lost. Without Alex I lost a piece of myself that had hope and love and looked forward to wake up in the morning so I could talk to him and gush about our kids.

     I've been trying to think through the multiple break downs that day but every time I think of the words he says, I start to hyperventilate as I'm almost shoved back into such a state. I know that this is something I need to fix if I want move on in any way, but it's not as simple as that. You can't just force a smile in the face of a depressive episode and think being happy for a few minutes is going to cure your mental health.

      I had looked into going to therapy a few times since that awful night, but I couldn't. Going into that room meant potentially answering questions that I wasn't ready for and that I might never be. It meant barring the more hideous hardest part of my soul to a stranger who would only hum and write down notes instead of talking to me. I don't need to keep reliving my experiences, I need to forget them. I don't want my life is be taken over my pain and regret and fear like it has been these past few days. I want my daddy back, but there's no way I can just walk to his house with my tail tucked between my legs in hopes that he'll have a big heart and will decide to take me back.

"I'm sorry guys." I say to the twins, my hand coming down to frame my large tummy quietly. Too scared to talk to anyone that connects me to Alex and the pack, my babies are the only ones who I've been able to talk to. "I know I promised that you would grow up in a loving better home than any of us were raised in, but I guess I fucked that one up didn't I?"

"You might grow up to resent me when you realize what I messed up for us, but you're all I have. Your father is a great man. He has warm bronze skin, brown hair and the best chocolate eyes. He was so excited to meet the two of you."

I feel a couple of kicks in response to my words. I've come to notice that whenever I talk about Alex and Tobias, the babies always begin to wiggle and kick in response.

"He was always so patient and the sweetest man can be. He was funny and charming and literally perfect in every way. When I think about the two of you, I hope you get all of his amazing qualities. He has the most amazing scent like the woods in a summer rain."

I turn over on the bed until I'm laying in my back instead of my side where my body twists at the uncomfortable angle. Looking up at the popcorn ceiling, I sigh in defeat wishing the words in my mind would calm a little when my phone rings for the millionth time since I turned it back on.

I ignore the ring tone that yells from my phone, hoping the tears that fall down the side of my face will disappear, hating the feeling. Because I'm not the one who got hurt, I'm not the one who got left behind so I try to hold the tears in and save them for another time where I'll need them.

My attention turns to my phone however, when I hear yet another sound tone, though this one isn't for a incoming call but for another voicemail. I decide to torture myself more than I already am and pick up my phone off the bedside table.

Unlocking my phone carefully, I allow myself to press on my phone app and a frown crosses my face when I see my last miss call was from Chandler. I decide not to call him back immediately and instead listen to what he has to say.

     "Chloe, I'm probably the only person in the world right now who actually knows how you feel. I'm so sorry you're going through this, babe. I remember when Chris used to look at me that way Alex looks at you and how sometimes I feared he would end up breaking my heart and treating me like a no good slut just like everyone else."

    There's a pause in the message but the tears are already flowing. I forgot that I'm not the only one out here that been through this. As much as Alex or Thomas or anyone else sympathize with me none of them completely get it because they've never had to go through it.

     Everyone goes through their own shit but that experience doesn't make you an expert in someone else's trauma, so it's refreshing to have someone that one hundred percent completely understands everything I'm going through. I sniffle as Chan's voice picks up once more.

     "It's okay to be scared and have doubts. It's okay to need time and space to make sure you did the right thing. But don't shut out the one good thing that entered your life and gave you two more gifts. Take the time you need. Don't rush back. Take care of yourself. Unlike me, you have people waiting on you. You have people that love you. I hope you remember the story your writing and I hope you chose to turn the page."

     And with those words, he's gone. And as much as he's made me cry and made snot drip down my nose, I'm so so happy that I was able to hear that message because I needed that.

    With the optimism still running high, I decide to listen to the last message from Alex, holding my breath as his deep baritone fills the air and caresses my ears, making them twitch in excitement from hearing my Mate.

     "I painted the twins room yellow like you wanted. I agree with you wanting gender neutral colors for the room. As much as I don't like green, mint green is okay so I'm trusting you on this. It looks beautiful in here, just like you told me it would be. I'm sorry for doubting you, princess. I know you expect me to yell at you and cuss and tell you to never to come back but I won't. Because I would be lying straight through my teeth."

      My hand comes up to hold my stomach in awe as the babies begin to shift and wiggle towards the sound of their father's voice. Apparently I wasn't the only one to miss it these past few days.

    "I'm not going to rush you into coming home. I heard what David said to you. I kind of fucked him up but Cora stopped me once I got a bat in my hand. She said you wouldn't want that."

      Good girl.

    "I love you and I know you love me. But I also know that those scars from all those years ago won't heal easily, especially when people like him continue to beat you down. But it's okay. I know sometimes you'll break down in doubt and I'll be there to help build you back up every time."

      Alex clears his throat as his voice gets thick and I mirror the action, doing my best to sooth my babies as I close my eyes to listen to the sweet voice of Alex. The voice of my daddy that still loves me.

       "So I'll let you have the time you need. Just know that the moment I figure out where you are, I'm coming to get you so we can be a family again. I love you, princess. Give Ash and Matty a kiss for me, I dream of you three all the time. I love you. And this isn't a goodbye it's a see you later. I promise."

      The message ends and all I can do is cry happily that I haven't fucked up the only good thing I've had in my life. Alex and Chan are right when they said I needed time to get myself together. I do. If I want to be a good mom and give my kids the best life they can have, I have to make sure I'm okay so I can take care of them. 

      I look back to all the times I tried to hide what I was, tucking my tail even though it hurt, wearing hats to cover my ears. I remember when I was ashamed to leave the house because of all the dirty looks I would get form random people. I don't want to be that kind of person anymore, ashamed of what I am. Instead I want to be the type of person my kids can be proud of and show off.

      I fall back asleep listening to the sound of Alex's soothing voice as he tells me over and over again that he'll come for me and that he loves me, while I try to fix a part of myself that I've allowed to remain broken for years.

      And this time when I'm done, there will be no more falling apart or breakdowns because I'll be doing it myself and I will never allow someone to tale control of me again, not mentally, physically or emotionally. And it's with these thoughts that I fall asleep with a smile.

~~~~~~
I'm not really sure how I feel about this chapter but I needed a filler before the next one happens. I kind of like the voicemails though.

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Comments?

QOTD: What was the last song you played on your phone?