LILLY WINTERRARE

2

"Hello, yes this is her daughter Lillia-" my words got stuck and I swallowed the lump rising in my throat and started again. "-Lilly Winterrare, yes I'll hold. Yes." I replied to the receptionist over the phone.

"Lilly?" I heard a croaky voice call five minutes later.

"How are you?" I asked, my voice as gentle and clear as I could make it. "Are they treating you well, have you made any new friends?" I went on bombarding her with all the questions I could in the short time I had.

"Yes, the nurses are nice to me and some lady called Linda treats me well," she replied.

"Linda," I began but my voice cracked and I cleared my throat again. "Ohh what is she in for?"

"Well Linda has what they call a phantom illness. I heard the nurses say the pain is in her head and she is completely fine, but I have seen Linda in pain. It looks real and Linda says it is real."

"It is nice she has you to believe her," I said to her.

"She believes me too. I know she understands more than the nurses here when I tell her things because she knows what it is like to be discarded."

"I am happy that you both can rely on each other and that you are doing good," I reply.

"And you sweetie, hope you don't feel to lonely?" she asked.

"Lonely? I am never in the house to feel alone. I have made a ton of friends and sent out university applications," I lied.

"That is lovely sweetie, and Ashely, how is she?"

"She is doing good ma, we plan to go to Uni together in the fall," I told her. That had been the plan a year ago but a year ago things weren't like this.

"This makes me very happy," she began pausing to request a minute extra from the nurse and then she returned to the call. "Erm sweetie I have to go."

"Mhmm hmm," I replied afraid that if I open my mouth my tears would fall. How did it go so wrong suddenly? Weren't we supposed to be free but why did we seemed to be stuck in another maze?

"I miss you sweetie and I love you always," she said, and the tears fell down from my eyes as I choked out another 'Mhmm hmm' and the line went dead.

'I miss you more mum,' is what I wanted to say but I couldn't string my words together without the tears pouring and I didn't want to worry her. She was doing good, she sounded cheerful. She didn't need this baggage; she didn't need damaged. Alas, he was right. With that thought I curled myself on the bed ignoring my hunger pangs and the jabs in stomach and slept with my tears trickling down. The stress of living had driven me to the point of absolute exhaustion. Unfortunately, slumber was never a release.

...

"Benadryl, 10 tablets of those please," I say to the person at the counter of the pharmacy/convenience mart dropping 4 bowls of cup noodles and 3 bottles of lemonade -extra sour- on the counter.

The slightly older man suspiciously looked me up and down, his thick brows furrowing as his suspicion rose. "Where is your prescription?" he asked.

Pointing to my eyes I said, "look at me, do I need a prescription? If I do not get at least one goodnight sleep I just may pass out."

"Prescription?" he requested unbothered. Digging into my pocket I picked out the scrunched paper of one of mother's old prescription before she left for the mental hospital. Luckily it had just been a few months back and the know-it-all in front of me seemed to only check the name and year before he dived into the back store to retrieve it. He didn't even notice the age on it (42). That, or he didn't care enough. I was just glad I was getting the pills. When mother took it, she'd pass out for a whole day. Days passed by her in a blur. I remember being so mad at her for falling apart and just dodging everything we were going through, but I guess she was running-no, she was drowning. I understood how she felt now. Overwhelmed by everything and anything. Just wanting to be still and hoping everything will pass you by. You knew life was more than that. More than just existing but you were so drained of energy from fighting yourself that you couldn't care. Thereby shoving away the ones you loved, shoving away your friends and family.