Journals I guess

Family connections

It sucks not having family that feels like family. I have friends that feel like family but only a few that see me that way. I wish my dad wasn't shit. How can you cheat on someone who's pregnant with your first child. And then again with the second. And again while raising them both. And again after proposing in the bedroom while me and my sister watched and practiced walking down the aisle with my mother. I wish that when he went to prison that he would've come back and been better. And that when he left for the last time that he would've come for visits and keep me innocent. I miss when he was sober. After he met Christina and had our home in Ralston with the jelly bean machine and mini cinnamon roll cast irons. After he lost his job and the house I didn't see him for two years. I wish mom never went back on drugs. We had such a happy life. We hated John and we thought it would be better after divorce. But it wasn't. We saw her sleep around for the first time. We met Miguel. We learned how to steal from donation piles. And that she used credit cards that weren't in her name. And that jail was a thing you could be in and out of if you bailed out with money that wasn't yours. I wish she never went to prison for two years. I wish we didn't have to live with dad. I wish we could've finished a full year at one school with him. And that we weren't homeless during the summers. And that I didn't loose my aunts and cousins because he wanted to use us as excuses to ask for money. I wish he didn't tell me "one day you'll marry a man who wants you to cook and clean so I'm teaching you now" to rationalize verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. I wish my mom didn't tell me things would never be like that again when she finally got home and he got deported. Things are like that again. I wish my uncle didn't thing it was ok to grab my waist to get around me. I wish he didn't want to "wrestle" and pull me around when he got drunk enough. I wish he didn't think it was ok to slap my ass. I wish Robbert wasn't the reason I started to question the way my uncle acting. I wish my sister didn't see me as an asshole. I had to shelter her. I didn't want her to know about how serious moms drugs hit. I didn't want her to know the words dad used. I did everything she should've so she wouldn't get the lecture of "worthless fucking child". I didn't want her to not be able to get to her homework til 11:30 at night and barely cruise by with low B grades. I wish everyone didn't make it so easy for me to loose everything I should've had.