rants/vents

yet another vent

i have like, a bunch of emotions clogging up my brain and i don't know how to deal with them and since for some reason my body to cry or show any emotional vulnerability they're jus there and i hate it and i want to cry and i feel so guilty about venting and talking about this stuff since my entire personality since i was like seven is being tough and not letting anything get to me and not crying or anything and ughhhh

i hate life, i hate that it's going to keep happening and i'm going to keep living and there's nothing i can do about it. i hate that i'm inevitably going to age and get old and have to have kids and such, i just want to keep aging until i'm like 19 or something and then just stop. life's gonna keep happening, it won't stop, and events are going to keep being thrown at my face. once i finish school, there summer camps i go to/help out at and other responsibilities i have and then after i finish school there college and then after college i have to get a job, life is just going to keep happening and i can't stop it, i just need to pause for a bit, for there to not be anything happening at all for like a week or something, everything's so overwhelming

i wish i could just like, change? like just make myself a new person, with the same memories and friends and such, but like staple my personality down, change my looks up so i'm not as self conscious and ugly, and just change several things in the world, some people in the world.

i'm just so tired, so tired of everything, so tired of existing, so tired of life, so tired of myself, and physically tired and stressed and kinda miserable right now

and the therapy i'm going through, the fucking therapy! it isn't working, getting better is so hard, i don't like it, sometimes i wish i could go back to no one knowing and just coping on my own, everything was easier back then and i didn't have to meet with someone to talk about myself for a solid hour when idk if it's even helping! i love my therapist, she's an amazing women and she's really nice to talk to, but at the same time getting better is so hard, so tiring. i relapsed a few days/a weekday ago and i haven't told anyone, i don't want to cause a fuss or anything, because then no ones gonna trust me around anything, and i immediately felt guilty after cutting, but it's healed now and i can't undo what's happened. i just need to be alone, but i can't do that, because this house is never fucking empty, i love my family, but i just want to be gone for a bit

the world fucking sucks, i fucking suck, covid sucks, i'm pretty sure i annoy a bunch of people around me and i don't know how to fix it or how to get them to like me and i don't know if i'm over reacting or if i'm just clinging to false hope or idk i'm so sorry i'm forcing my emotions onto you

and of course, i'll admit, there's the obvious drama that's going on/went on with some other people on here and i just wish we could stop having so much conflict, and just understand that some things are not ok.

i don't know what else to say since i'm low key pouring out emotions i repressed so hard into this and i still feel like shit but i feel like i need too for some reason again i'm so sorry

i'm so sorry i'm dumping my problems onto all of you, you don't need to help me or stress about this, idk why i'm even posting this it's midnight and i'm busy stressing about shit tomorrow

you guys have helped me through so much, and i love you all, please take care of yourself, there's only one of you, so we gotta keep you around as long as possible, we don't want treasure to disappear

-lyra