For All I Can Remember...

2. April 14th

(Some names have been changed)

I remember waking up early,  and looking up,  my mom had tears rolling down her face.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, honey. The Joneses were in a crash on the paper route. I'm gonna go to the hospital.  Go back to sleep, okay?"

"Okay." I was a little worried but I prayed. 

"Dear God, please let the Joneses all by okay. And especially Lydia.  Amen."  In my silly little head that was a sincere prayer. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

I woke a few hours hours later I woke up and watched cartoons with my brother.

"Leah?" My mom called me and my brother to the living room. I ran, glad she was finally home.

"Remember how I told you The Jones family was in a car crash this morning?"

"Yeah?" I said, forgetting. 

"Well...Lydia... accidentally had her head run over by her mom."

My stomach dropped, I felt sick waiting for her to say the words.

"The doctors did all they could...I'm so sorry. "

I looked at my brother in disbelief, the only time I've ever seen him cry. His eyes welled up with tears but they never spilled over.

It hit me. I launched into her arms, screaming and crying and saying, "Mommy, please! No!"

Even then I wasn't one for sharing emotions so I calmed down for a second and walked back to the other room to watch Spongebob.  My brother was already in there while my mother was holding me.

I sat on the couch at first but sank to the floor, breathing heavily. I hugged my knees and rocked back and forth. "It's all a dream. It's just a dream. I'll wake up soon. It's all a dream." I repeated over and over as if it would make it true.

I can't really remember after that but I woke up in bed at 5:00 PM and walked to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. One of my eyes looked really bloody. I asked my mom and she said I must've popped a blood vessel from crying so hard. It scared me but I didn't care. And of course I lied to everyone who asked and said I'd poked it with a wire.

Me and my mom went to the store and bought some food for the family and drove to their house. I saw her dad crying and I remember playing Bratz with the sisters and cousins,  and one of the cousins broke down. And then one of the sisters. I sat there and stared. I remember being really aggravated again. I don't know why. I hated that it had to be that way. So...emotional. It made me uncomfortable.

My wayward brother came home from his girlfriend's house and looked at me. "Are you serious?" He stared at me. "...C'mere."

He held my head to his chest and hugged me.

I hated it. Oh, I hated the attention to my emotions. I would've gotten mad or uncomfortable but I didn't have any emotions anymore. 

I was up late that night crying and went to church the next morning, seeing their family. I remember there was a hymn that Lydia said made her cry. And nobody else knew it. But they sang that hymn.

"So I'll carry the old rugged cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down..
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown."

  I tried to sing, my voice was shaking and my breath was hitching and I just broke, the sounds of my sobs bouncing off the walls. Emily,  my other best friend and Lydia's sister took my hand and rubbed her thumb along my knuckles, and I did the same. Everyone, during the time where you shake hands, hugged me. But I wanted nothing more than to be home in bed.

I remember going to her viewing and being so stressed out about what to wear and asked my mom what a viewing was. She told me it was where we go to see the body. Now,  I may have been a child but I knew that that was kind of fucked up. "I-its okay," Lydia's mother told mine, "It doesn't really look like her. That helps."

I looked at her but didn't get close, this wasn't her.  I remember going to the bathroom and crying. That's part of how I remember her now and made a choice that day to have a closed-casket funeral.

I remember a few weeks later was my tenth birthday.  I got my first dog, Jack, and I actually kind of had a party. I even got a cake that year. I was getting a little better but certainly didn't not think about her every minute.

My family kept asking me how I was doing. I said, "fine" like I hadn't begged God to take my life while I slept the night before. They always believed,  I think and said "That's good."

And for all I can remember,  I never really got over it all because sometimes late at night when I hear a song or see a picture I just lose it. My friend.  My best friend,  Lydia, is dead. And even though it's been almost eight years now I still think about her every single day.

xx

Jan. 2. 2015 /// 7:16 PM

Lydia, I don't know where you are or if you are but if you can read this or something then know that you are missed and I love you so much.