For All I Can Remember...

5. Wallflower Fool

So, I'm sad. I feel like I should write. I had a bunch of caffeine.  And talked to people. And made a fool of myself.

I want to impress people or get a laugh out of them but they never laugh with me. They always laugh at me. And I always fail to realize it later when I'm laying in bed and thinking about everything I said.

I either be myself and regret it later or somebody else.

There's quiet Leah.

There's "too cool for this" Leah.

There's lots more...

Masks.

And I've put on so many masks I'm not even sure which is me anymore. All I know is that no matter who I talk to I'm lying.

All I know is that I'm scared. Have a lost the little bit of myself that I knew?

But I guess do know who I am. I'm just a social chameleon, fitting into whatever the situation calls for. You all act chill?  I'm chill. You're happy?  I'm happy, too. You're sad? Aw, I'm sad too. You're mad? I'll act mad even though I have no clue what you're talking about.  You're scared? Let's be scared. You're hyper?  Same here. You're tired? Yeah, I feel ya. You're cold? Me too. You're bored? Okay,  we're bored.

I feel like I'm just here as an accessory to whoever dares to socialize with me. I feel sorry for whoever tries starting a conversation with me. I'm not romanticizing social anxiety or truly having no one to talk to. Because I know what that feels like.

Talk about making a fool of yourself,  you should see me at parties! Everyone talking and laughing and the person I was talking to goes to "get a drink" and leaves me in the middle of it all. I look around,  trying to find my safe place by a wall. I get a horrible pit in my stomach and start sweating and my chest hurts slightly.

I leave to "go to the bathroom" and stay in there for a long time,  usually.

I come back.  Nobody missed me. People talk to me and I make a fool of myself.

Yes, I'm writing this as I'm drifting off to sleep so this makes zero sense. If I fall asleep this will be the earliest I have in like a year and a half. Crossing my fingers.

xxx

Jan. 5. 2015 /// 12:29 AM