westward grove

sixteen

"I can't do this," I whispered in Lauren's ear. She gripped my hand as tightly as she could. Her touch was reassuring, but I still doubted my ability to speak in front of everyone.

We were sat in the front of a church. My mother's lifeless body lied in casket in front of us. Even though she was cruel to everyone, her funeral had a huge turnout. I was on a strange variety of pills that I popped in the bathroom at Lauren's house, then again in the bathroom of the church. I ended up drinking a little last night, so I was sleep deprived. I was nauseous, and would more than likely have to excuse myself to throw up anytime now.

"You have a really nice speech prepared. You're going to be fine, babe." Lauren replied, encouraging me as much as she could.

My father was speaking currently. Even though he hated our family, he made an appearance at the funeral. He was indefinitely after money, little did he know I was the one that acquired it all.

I paid no attention to the words he spoke, but I did catch the end of his speech. "Now, I'll be passing the metaphoric mic over to my daughter, Karla." I cringed at his use of my full name. No matter how many times I told him to Camila, my point never got across.

I swallowed hard before standing up. My father gave me a quick hug on the way back to his seat. I had the sudden urge to shower after the forced touch.

I cleared my throat and pulled the sheet of paper that contained my speech out of the pocket of my khakis. "Hi, I'm Camila. A lot of you don't know me, but I'm Sinu's daughter." Whether it be from nerves or the pills or a mixture of both, I threw up a little in my mouth."My mother was a kind woman with a gentle heart. My years with her were well spent..." I paused, swallowing hard. Before I even knew what was happening, I was vomiting on the church floor.

Sofi bolted out of her seat and held my hair back as I puked my guts out. After what felt like hours of heaving, I stood up. "Shit.. I.. I'm so sorry," I said before swiftly walking out of the church. As soon as the doors slammed shut, a single tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away and sat down on a bench near a flower garden. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply.

A few moments later the doors reopened and Lauren appeared. She flashed me a small smile and walked over to the bench. "Do you mind if I sit with you?" She asked politely. I shook my head and she sat next to me, wrapping her arm protectively around my waist. Lauren lit a cigarette from her own pack and exhaled. She intended to blow the smoke away from me, but the wind caused it to float directly into my face. "Sorry," she mumbled.

I sighed and toyed with my cigarette, digging my thumb nail into the filter. "That was so fucked." I thought out loud.

Lauren shook her head. "No one thought twice about it. They all just assumed it was grief related." She explained, tossing her half smoked cigarette on the ground and putting it out with her boot.

"She was so disappointed in me." I stated, once again thinking out loud. "I don't think I care anymore, but damn. It just..." Lauren scooted closer, wrapping me up in her arms. "And I'll never know why. I'll never have that closure, because I couldn't bring myself to actually have a fucking conversation with her."

"Maybe you don't need the closure. Some things are better left unsaid. Who knows, maybe you wouldn't have been content with her answer. It was liable to make you feel worse, because she probably didn't even know why she was doing it. You just have to move on, and let it all go."

"I'd kiss you, but I just threw up." I said, eliciting a laugh from Lauren.

She leaned down and kissed my cheek, lingering against my face and smiling. "Let's get out of here." Lauren suggested, nudging me towards her car. I nodded and unwrapped myself from her grasp. We walked to the car quietly. I didn't have much to say and I doubted Lauren did, either.