I'm lost.
I have come so far, and yet, I feel as though I have done nothing at all. Its been at least four or five months since I stopped taking my medication. I have had my moments of depression here and there but considering this and my situation that is only to be expected. One of my biggest struggles has been this medication. I have not told anyone that I stopped taking it. I know what they will say. I'm not doing it to be stubborn or to rebel or simply because I don't want to. It is so much more than that. Who in their right mind, wants to explain to someone that they have to rely on pills to make them happy? How weak, how utterly depressed do you have to be? I don't want to take pills to be happy, its not fair. As childish as that may sound. They don't even make you happy, they just suck every damn emotion out until you feel absolutely nothing. I'd rather cut myself a million times and feel that fucking pain then sit in utter emptiness. I just wish, that for once in my damn life, god would give me what I really need. My family back. Yes I have my sister, yes i have my gram and my gramp, yes i have this amazing family giving me a home and so much more. I fought for the right to have my mother, so god damn hard and yet she is the only one that I can't have. I'm going to die knowing that I could have done SOMETHING to keep her in my life and yet I didn't. I was too full of selfish hate and despise that I walked away without a second thought. I don't deserve my mother. I know this. I just pray and hope that she knows how much I love her, how much I have given and suffered through just to earn the right to be her daughter. If I could talk to you again, I would apologize. For giving up on you. For not understanding better. For not being better. And I would proudly say that I love you, for everything that you have done for me, for saving me, for feeding me and for giving me a home. For trying to be the best mother that you could be even while you were so broken. I saw it all mom. I saw the tears that you tried to hide. I saw the panic attacks. I saw the utter fear at minor scary things. I saw the frustration and the sadness and the anxiety. I saw the anger. I saw the strong woman that was broken and struggling to survive. And I tried to help you in every way that I could. Because I felt what you felt in different ways. And i'm sorry. I am so sorry.
Don't forgive me, because I will never deserve that from you
