Drowning

Chapter 4

I finally pushed through the crowd of Lynch's that were surrounding me. After I answered all their questions they basically just turned their attention to something else. I walked downstairs and searched the house for Ross but he was no where to be seen. I walked out on her back porch to see him with his head in his hands. I shut the door and sat next to him.

"I should have told someone." He said.

"What?" I asked.

"This is all my fault" He said.

Then it felt like my heart dropped and tears filled my eyes.

"If I would have just told someone this wouldn't of happened to you!" He said, clearly blaming himself.

"No! Stop, stop right now!" I said as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Stop what?" He asked.

"Blaming yourself! I have blamed myself forever for what that man has done to me! I blame myself for everything...even my mom's death, it's my fault so don't you dare for a second think that this was all your fault! I have put up with the pain of blaming myself for 4 years and I know what it feels like and to even think about you feeling this way makes me blame myself even more!" I said.

He just stared at me.

"How did your mom die?" He asked.

His question caught me by suprise, but I answered it.

"I was 13 and she was driving me to school. We were arguing and I can remember exactly what we were arguing about. I wanted to go to a friends birthday party and stay the night and she told me no. So I-I told her that she was stupid and that I hated her. She turned around and just looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I had never said anything like that to her, and I never wanted to. I just - I got so mad. Then bam. I flew forward and just hit the seat in front of me, but she went straight through the windshield. After I realised what happened I jumped out of the car and just stared at my mom's bloody body. I screamed for help and soon an ambulance came. I assumed somebody called them. I got to ride with her but I had to wait with my dad in the waiting room. That was when my dad was a good dad and didn't have a drinking problem. After awhile I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back out my dad was in tears and he said the doctor came out and said they couldn't save her. And I hate myself to this day because the last thing that I said to her was 'I hate you'. So now I hate myself like everybody else. My dad, he blamed me for the accident so I guess I started believing him. But I remember that day vividly. I tried to forget it, or at least act like I did but that just hurts worse. And I just think if I could just go back in time, if I didn't say I hate you, she wouldn't have turned around and the car accident wouldn't have happened. I said 'I hate you' and that was the last thing she heard me say to her. But I don't. I dont hate her. I just wish I could see her one more time to tell her much I love her and miss her" I said as tears streamed down my cheeks.

Ross wrapped me up in a hug and I sobbed into his chest.

"Lexie, whatever your thinking about I want you to stop. The accident wasn't your fault" He said.

"Okay well let's say it wasn't, how can I change what I said to her" I said.

"Listen, your mom knows you love her and it's probably killing her to watch you suffer like this" He said.

"Can I ask you a question? Why do you care? Why are you here trying to make me feel better? I mean I'm a nobody, I'm just a broken girl who wishes she could control her demons instead of having her demons control her" I said.

"Youre not a nobody to me. I care about you! You may be broken but the way I see it is what's broken can be fixed, and I wanna be the band-aid to fix you" He said.

"Sorry, Ross, but band-aids don't fix bullet holes" I said.

I stood up and walked inside and into the bathroom. I turned on the sink and washed my face. When I was finished I grabbed a towel and dried my face. Then when I turned around to walk away I saw a pack of razors sitting on a shelf, tempting me. I walked over and pulled one out and stared at it. I broke it and grabbed one of the blades. I hesitated as I put it on my wrist and slid it across. This isn't my first time cutting, I've done it multiple times before. I made 14 cuts, 7 on each arm. I cleaned up, then pulled my sleeves down and walked upstairs where everyone was laughing.

"Hey! Where ya been?" They asked.

I needed some time alone. Ross gave me a suspicious look.

"Oh, okay! So what about a midnight snack?" Callie suggested.

"It's already midnight? Damn!" I said

She chuckled and everybody ran downstairs but I just sat on the bed.

"You coming?" Callie asked.

"Nah, I'll just stay up here, go have fun!" I said.

"But I wanna hang out with you! My bestfriend!" She said.

"I don't know..." I said.

"Oh come on!" She said and grabbed my wrist and pulled me.

"Ahh!" I said.

She turned around and looked at me confused then looked down at my wrist then her eyes softened but had a hint of disappointment in them.

"You didn't" She said.

"Didn't what?" I asked, trying to sound completely oblivious as to what she was saying.

She pulled my sleeves up to reveal my cuts.

"How did those get there?" I said jokingly.

"This isn't funny" She said.

I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Fine! But you can't tell anyone, I'm trusting you" I said and walked out.

I walked downstairs with Callie behind me and we all ate ice cream and talked but I really just stayed quiet.

"What's wrong Lexi? You haven't said anything all day! Did the humming bird lose her voice?" Rocky asked.

I chuckled at his attempt to cheer me up.

"Well my father wants to murder me so..." I said.

Everybody suddenly got quiet.

"I see I hit a nerve...wait how did I hit a nerve with you guys?! It's my dad, it should've hit a nerve for me!!" I said.

"Yea but we care about you Lexi, more than you think we do" Rydel said.

"But why?! You only met me yesterday and nobody cares about me!" I said.

"We do! And we care about you because your something worth caring about" Ross said.

"See, man, I ruined this perfectly good conversation. God! I ruin everything!!"I said as I tugged at my hair.

"I'll just go to bed, you guys have fun" I said.

I walked upstairs and made a bed on the floor and used a new tooth brush Callie gave me and brushed my teeth. Then I crawled into bed and fell asleep.