Can't you see I'm Hurting Inside?

5 Years

It has been five years since we last spoke. I have not spoken in so long it seems weird to me. I never thought I would ever be adding another part to this book. However, after going back through it and reading the pages I once cried over so long ago, I felt it needed an ending. My childhood was not the best. My father beat my mother, me, and my brother. I was raped by my 21 year-old cousin when I was only 8 years old. When I was in high school, my family was so poor that I basically lived in a shack with no AC or heat. We did not have a bathroom or shower. I would use the bathroom at my work and would take a shower at my friend's house when I could. I started working when I was 14 to help my mom pay bills. I got my second job when I was 16. I am now 19 and I'm officially living on my own and I can tell you things do get better. I read back over my pages I wrote so long ago and all I can think about is how I wish to speak to myself from the past. I want to tell myself that things will be okay, things will get rough, things will seem hard, but it will be okay. I tried to overdose on prescription pills last April. It did not work and I woke up in the hospital to my mom screaming at me. Her first words to me were not "are you okay" or "thank God you're not dead." Instead her first words to me were "how could you do this? Do you know how expensive the funeral would be?" After this moment I never looked at my mother the same. I realized the only person I could really trust was myself. After that moment, it was not long before I moved out of my parent's house. I am now engaged, have my own house, have an amazing job, and I have a beautiful dog named Lucy. So, for those of you who think you have it rough, or feel like you cannot escape. I promise you, you are not they only one. Find who you are and what you want in life and take it. Do not wish for it. Grab it in your fist and take it. Death is not the answer. Death backhanded me in the face and told me to keep fighting. So, to my past self I say goodbye. To those of whom my future beholds, I say hello.