Kick, Push

Competition Day: +5

From the second Zayn wakes up that morning, he can tell it's going to be a rough day. He knows better than to leave the windows uncovered before he sleeps, so at least there's only the light spilling in from sides of the curtains, otherwise he'd be in an even worse mood. It hits him when he rolls over and checks what time it is - five days left. No longer is it five months or five weeks, it's five days.

Ever since the realization took hold, Zayn had been filled with existential dread. At breakfast he had let Niall lead the chat, meaning that it was basically all about his video equipment and latest shag. The boy wasn't stupid, he was Zayn's best mate for a reason, and therefore knew what was going on in the male's head when it became abundantly clear from the half hearted nod instead of a good morning in the lift earlier, that the athlete planned on staying even more quiet than usual.

Zayn knew he had it good like that. Both Niall and Louis could pick up on his moods and act accordingly, eliminating a lot of frustration on everyone's parts. It wasn't an ideal situation for Zayn to have the disorder in, but he didn't try and look at it like that too much. He had to frame it as if it was just a roadblock he had to ollie over, not a stop to the ride all together.

Yet as he and Niall skip the BMX Freestyle heats to head into the city for more promo video work, he can't help but feel as though this time around, his nerves are eating away at him ten times faster than normal. The worst part? He thought he was on top of it so far. Life was cruel like that. One night he was on top of the world with a handsome man in his grip, crinkly eyed smile giving Zayn the power to take on his demons, and the next he was dipping out on a front row seat to an Olympic event because he can't stand being anywhere close to adrenaline that's not his own, doesn't want to know what his blood pressure will do if he's within a short walk to the stage that's causing him all this. It's tortuous and he knows there's no one to blame, that some people just get this way, it's not his fault, but fuck if he really wants to think so. Not having something to point the finger at and target his anger towards was enraging.

But it wasn't his fault.

It's the same thing his Mother's telling him over Facetime when he takes a break from table grinds to try and busy his mind with something new, something positive that's not tied to his impending doom.

Hearing her voice through his headphones has him feeling more homesick than ever. More than when he had just moved to California for what was supposed to be a summer, but turned out to be two years. She and his sisters were Zayn's recharge pack, there's no doubt in his mind about that. His Father was his main source of motivation, but the women in his life were unlike any familial bond that he had come across. Louis and his sisters were close, especially after his Mother passed, but Louis didn't suffer from what Zayn did. He didn't need a grounding block to keep him from spiraling into oblivion or stop the burning in his eyes from not being able to rid the pit in his stomach that came from something that was supposed to be his life's passion. No, Zayn needed his family like he needed skating, it was just ironic how the cycle between the two never went in one direction.

Three hours into shooting and he breaks a board.

Zayn can tell Niall's unsure how to act when it happens. Should he pretend like it wasn't a big deal, or do the opposite and seriously talk Zayn down from the ledge he's on? He opts for the former, watching his friend toss the two pieces in self-degradation towards where their gear sits under a tree before picking up one of the other two boards strapped onto his backpack. Decks break, it happens, and it's the reason Zayn's brought so many with him, but it shouldn't be happening this soon to show time and they both know that.

As the two continue to film for another two hours, Zayn wonders how loud his wireless headphones can go.

Once he was spotted wearing Beats during his early competition days, the company approached him for a sponsorship. Zayn couldn't say yes fast enough. Music was an integral part in his training regime, especially when his performance anxiety started to become a real problem. He's sure Niall can hear the music each time he skates past him to reset the trick at hand. It's another signal the videographer can use to tell there's a storm going on inside the skater's brain. Unlike his Irish friend who couldn't focus on work with any of his senses distracted, Zayn could count the amount of times he's skated without at least one headphone in, on his hands.