you can't see the stars in nyc | lil peep

8

ELIZA
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on the drive home i could feel the anxiety bubbling up in me. what was i going to do? this was my only source of income. surely i was going to get fired when i show up to work on monday. it was wednesday now, so i had four days to figure out a backup plan. stressing over this i could feel my hands begin violently shaking and my chest tightening so i pulled over to the side of the road and put my car in park, putting my head in my hands as a panic attack overcame my body.

"FUCK." i screamed as i banged my hands on the steering wheels. i leaned over to the passengers side and pulled out my prescription xanax from my purse, but when my shaky hands opened it the pills went flying everywhere only making me cry harder. i managed to take one and swallow it and continued to cry. i decided to call anna to see if she could calm me down any further.

"hello?" she said when she picked up, and i only burst into tears again. "what? what happened?" she stressed.

"i'm almost positive i'm going to be out of a job because of what jazz and gus did today," i sobbed.

"oh baby it's okay. we'll figure it out. deep breaths my love. inhale for four seconds, hold it for seven, exhale for eight. (this actually works! it sends signals to your brain that you are safe and it will calm you down 💗)  you're okay mamas." she soothed. i took the deep breaths like she told me that and with a mixture of that and the benzo, i was already feeling better.

anna talked to me while i drove home so i wouldn't feel so alone, and i honestly couldn't be more grateful. my mind was going so fast and i couldn't believe what had happened. i pulled into my apartment complex and said goodbye to anna, went upstairs, leaving all the pills on the bottom of my car telling myself i'd clean it up tomorrow or whenever i decided to crawl out of my room again.

when i got into my room i took a shower and cried a little more before changing and sat back down in my bed. it was 10:52pm and i wasn't tired at all, my mind was so jumbled there was no way i could sleep, so i decided to roll up and spark a joint and smoke out my window, the indica strain settling in my body and helping me relax enough to go to sleep.
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TIME SKIP TO MONDAY MORNING
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it's 8am and i woke up to my alarm blaring in my ears and the anxiety i felt is almost unbearable. i trudge along and do my daily morning routine and i'm off to work. as i'm sitting in the drive thru of starbucks picking up coffee for anna and i my phone goes off twice at the same time and i open it to see a text from anna.

Anna 🧚🏼‍♀️❤️: he's here, but it's okay. i'll make sure he won't come near you.
read 9:02am

so now it's 9:26am and i'm pulling into the parking lot of Touch Fashion. i put my car in park and start wringing my hands. i pull the mirror down and stare at myself for a minute and tell myself that no matter what happens, i will be okay. i take a deep breath and open the door and saunter toward the door.

it's about 40 minutes into my shift and hood is nowhere to be seen. my guess is that he's hiding in his office. i can feel myself starting to relax while i'm doing my work when lo and behold, he sticks his head out of his office and motions for me to come over.

"um, hold on." i say and he nods before walking back into his office. with shaky hands i text anna and tell her that hood just called me into his office and to please stand nearby just in case he does something to me. she says okay, so i stand up and smooth out my skirt and slowly walk into his office.

"close the door," he says.

"actually, i'd rather keep it open." i squeak. he nods again and i sit on the edge of the seat in front of his desk. he had a nasty black eye and cuts all over his hands, he looked terrible. he wouldn't even make eye contact with me. he pulls out a box from underneath his desk.