Saving Kat

Chapter Seven

First off, I'm sorry that I haven't updated this story very often... I'll start by saying, Carter completely left me. I have not spoke to him in months. He took me off Facebook, Instagram, everything. I haven't even tried to text him lately. I guess I just realized that I don't need him..

Now, a few months ago, I got back together with my ex-boyfriend Brandon. I'll admit, he's the reason why I haven't been on Wattpad in forever. I've been so freaking happy being with him. He was the first person who ever showed that they actaully gave a damn about me. I know that I most likely said the same thing about Carter, but I was so wrong about him. Brandon showed me what it was like to be in true love with someone. He showed me what it felt like to be loved.

The thing that sucks, I was so blinded by the new feeling of love that I was to fucking dumb to see what was right in front of my face for weeks.

You see, Brandon and I were in a long distance relationship. I now know that thoughs are complete shit. You see, Brandon had got me to stop self-harming. I went 3 weeks with being clean. Impressive, right? Well, i slipped up once a few days ago and he found out.

But let me back up to 3 days ago...

I found out a few days ago that he was starting to have feelings for another girl at his school. But, me being fucking stupid and so blinded by love, trusted him not to do anything. But then, the very next day, he found out about my slip up and he broke up with me because of it. Then, yesterday, I found out that he was already seeing this new girl. Not even a day after we broke up.

But that's not what this post is about...

Fuck him to be honest.

This is about self-harm.

You see, I told him that it's not something that you can just stop doing, you know? Ask anyone who has ever self-harmed and they will honestly tell you, it's really hard to just stop doing all on your own. Brandon replied, 'It's not a drug, Kendall. You can stop whenever you want to. It's not like you're addicted to it. What, do you like the feeling of hurting yourself?'

Well to that statement, I literally laughed.

To someone who had never hurt themselves in this kind of way, well that's the typical kind of answer. It's not that myself or other people 'enjoy hurting themselves.' It's the simple idea of matching the outside to what you are feeling on the inside. People who think that self-harming is just a way to get attention, fuck you guys. Unless you've been in the position where you feel like the only other choice you have is suicide or self-mutilation, fuck you. You don't understand what it's like to go to sleep at night and wish to never wake up. You don't know what it's like to wake up every morning and curse because of the simple fact that you woke up.

Harming youself can become addicting. Especially when you've been doing it for years. It's like a beautiful type of drug. I might be to far deep into it, I've been doing it for almost 9 years, but to me, my scars are beautiful. They show me and other people that I've been fighting a hell of a fight and so far, I've had a few bumps in the rhode, but hey, I'm still here. I'm still going strong.

To the people who think self-harm is a cry for attention or that suicide is discusting and is just an easy way out, screw you guys. You want to know what I think is discusting? Pushing someone to that point where they feel like they have no other choice but to completely end their life or pushing someone to the point where they have to take they're frustation and/or anger out on themselves in such a hurtful way.

People self-harm for all sorts of different reasons. Anger, frustation, self-hating, bullying. They do it because they feel like they have no other choice. They feel like they don't have anywhere else to go so they take everything out on themselves. That is what I think is discusting.

Yes, I lost the love of my life, my first true love because of this. But you know what that proved to me? He never really loved me. If he loved me the way he said he did, he would have stayed with me and countinued to help me to get better. He also wouldn't already be with another girl.

So to all of you beautiful, fucking amazing readers out there right now, I'm here for all of you. Message me on kik, inbox me, tweet me, I'm here for you all. Wheather it's questions on relationships, deppression, self-harm, how to get on the rhode to recovery, anything!!! I'm here! I will always be. I don't care what time of day or night it is. I don't care if it's 4 A.M. I'm ALWAYS awake and talking to people. Don't be shy. I'm here and I love you all. I wish you all the best.

Please, for the love of Nutella. I'm here. I always will be.

I love you all.

<3