if you see this, im sorry. you don't have to read, its just a vent ig :) (t w

TRIGGER WARNINGSSSSSS.

hey, yeah. its me, Dylan....yep after months ive decided to post. its not even a good one. aha..

TW: MENTIONS OF SH//Suicide.

it all started in primary. 8 years of bullying, sadness. my only escape was roblox. that sounds pathetic but oh well.

it was 4th class when I found out what self harm was. it wasn't deep enough to scar. but I always wore my hoodie. I had a resorce teacher. I used to tell her everything. but not this, or the bullying. fast forward. end of sixth class. "fun". my and my friend always argued. pulled out by teachers. I had no self esteem or confidence. and the end of the year? I hated it. the popular girls telling you they'd "miss you" or that they "love you". I found it stupid. even my bullies did it. I never really ate much as a kid. I didn't like food. it wasn't appealing to me. id eat when I had to but otherwise, nope.

summer of 2019.

I stayed in my room that whole summer. with my laptop and phone. I played roblox 99% of the time, the 1% was Minecraft. I had great online friends. there names were- kai,trisha,alec,mochi,marcus, kitty,pride and a lot more. I developed feelings for kai fast. I never had the gut to tell him because I knew he was too good for me and he probably liked someone else. so id left it. me and kai were best friends. comforting eachother, making eachother smile the whole works. start of august 2019 kai started up school again. I made tiktoks and waited for him to make a tiktok for me to get online.it had turned out, kai got a boyfriend. which made me sad but at the same time I was happy for him. around came august 23rd, my first day of secondary school. joined by my older brother and three "friends".

it had all went well for awhile. I had a nice group of friends. but we fell apart. leaving me, with nobody again. it didn't bother me though. I enjoyed being alone. in school it was fake sicking, cutting, not eating, crying and suicide attempts. my addiction to self harm got worse and worse. I didn't know what to do. my mother found out about my self harm addiction. she threatened to tell my dad. im scared of him. hes a scary man. I cant tolerate shouting/voice raising I just collapse inside. early in that year i dated a girl named lynn (we talk now) we broke up a week or two into the relationship because i was annoying and weird. Then November 11th 2019 I got a girlfriend. it was all ok until the 6th month in. I started to notice..how bad it was. she made me feel like I couldn't have friends. guilty for not telling her things. i couldn't handle it well but i faked happiness and being fine for three months after that. it was 4th july 2020. funny date i know. but we faught, and faught, and faught. i remember her saying this to me. she said "you wanna talk about toxic? ok. ill talk toxic" that sits in the back of my mind. her friends came after me, attacking and sending death threats. she told me she had no friends, but she has a big group of friends now. her best friend felt uncomfortable around me. idk why. about 4-5 days after we broke up. lynn texted me saying she was there for me. we talked, and talked, and talked. and we met up and had a lot of fun. but i still suffered. i just hid it. my body was ruined in scars at this point. suicidal thoughts have always came and went like a guest to me. it was just normal at this point. i had my three guy friends. jack,oisin and oliver. we get on great. there really accepting. i love them in a no homo way aha. but they don't know how much im actually suffering. its 4:05 am right now. 1/8/2020. its been a pretty bad day. cutting, suicide thoughts. worse than usual. im pretty good at hiding it i guess. welp i guess i should sleep so..another time. goodbye, if ur even reading this.