The Kids are Fine | Kellic (boyxboy)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN | What If I Want To Talk About It?

KELLIN'S P.O.V.

I sat down. Then stood up. Then sat back down. Then stood back up. I drummed my fingers nervously against my phone. Then put it down. Then pick it back up. I open my messages and find Vic's name. The most recent message from him is from a week ago, two days after we kissed.

Vic: Are you okay?

No. I'm not okay. How are you okay? He probably hasn't even thought about it since it happened. But it's consumed me. My fingers hover over the phone's keyboard. I shouldn't text him. It's 2:00 a.m. for fucks sake. But I couldn't sleep because of this. Not with thoughts of my dream and what I did last night littering my mind. I felt like I did something wrong. Had I? Was I allowed to have that dream about him like that? Was I allowed to do what I did to myself? No. Right? Was I allowed to be feeling any of this? I don't know. I wasn't going to know until I talked about it. Did I want to talk about it? Yes and no. What would I even say? Hey Vic, remember when we got drunk and made out? Yeah thats all I've been able to think about for the past week and by the way, I had a dream where we-

"No. Shut up." I whisper, covering my ears and closed my eyes, like that would stop my thoughts from happening. I didn't want to think about the dream in any more detail than I already had last night. We all know how that ended.

Ive been standing up, and sitting, and picking up my phone, and putting it down, and pacing around my room for the past hour and I have gotten nowhere in the decision making department. I need to know how he feels about all of this. I need to know that I'm overthinking everything. I need to know that he's still my friend. I didn't want to lose him so soon over something so stupid. Something was stopping me. But something else was urging me forward. Something he said to me while we were walking through the woods.

"You can show emotion around me, you know? You can care." He smiles, "I won't tell your friends."

He won't tell my friends. He won't tell them. He won't. This is between the two of us. I knew he would keep it that way. That thought was urging me forward. This was ours and no one else's.

Just do it, he's probably asleep anyway. He'll respond you to you in the morning. Or maybe he won't respond to you at all. That would be so much worse. I guess I would deserve that after not texting him back, then ignoring his entire existence for a week, even at school. I wouldn't know if he had ever even looked at me. I kept my head down. I felt like if I looked anyone in the eyes, they would know.

He was the only one who knew. He knew what happened, he didn't know how I was feeling about it. I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I didn't. I was still confused about how I was feeling. I would be lying to myself and him if I said that I didn't like what happened. It's clear I did. But I couldn't. I felt like I wasn't allowed to. I've never put this much thought into anyone in my life. Why him? Why not anyone else? And suddenly, I knew what my brain was trying to say...

Why not a girl?

I couldn't help but think that. That's all I knew. Ive had flings with other girls and never in my life, have I felt this terrified of my own body. Why? Why was there so much shame surrounding this? This is bullshit.

A scratching sound at my door makes me jump, scaring the shit out of me, "Shit." I drop my phone.

I huff and walk over to my door opening it. Morrissey had her front paws stretched out against the door, scratching at it. I opened it all the way to let her in. She happily trots in and tries to jump on my bed. She makes it about halfway up there, but she's a few inches short. Her claws catch against my blanket and she climbs the rest of the way up onto my bed. I pick my phone up off of the floor and stare at it. Vic's messages are still opened up. It's 2:23 a.m. now. He's probably asleep.